Mastery

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Listen, I am in a whirlwind of change!!

My days are full of busy excitement as we near the end of this eighth reign of hormones! And look forward to a precious new addition to our bustling household!

I have stumbled terribly in my pursuit of healthy eating which has caused an excessive increase in my weight. This makes me sad. I have unrealistic expectations of having a basketball pregnancy, at least once. Clearly it's not going to happen. My basketball is more like a half deflated beachball. I mean seriously... I've been inflating and deflating for almost a decade. How can I expect it to look any better than this? I should be thankful that my uterus is even able to hang in there for another round! And I choose to be grateful for that starting now!!! ....rather than resent my stomach for not being picturesque. Blasted Pregnancy magazine! Why do you haunt me so!?!

I am excited about a writing project I began a few weeks ago. The Lord has set a fire in my heart and I have set my face like flint in this endeavor.

My greatest struggle as a mom is, franky, I am mean. It's something I have battled from the early days of this journey. Pressure makes me hostile. Out of that hostility has come sarcasm, impatience, outbursts of anger, fits of rage, and the like. I spew poison on these precious lives over petty things, cry at the end of the bad days, and beg God to change me.

It's not that He won't, but my resolve fades the next day and I have a few good days to trick myself.  So then I don't beg God for His precious grace to keep me from this unkindness, and I am stranded in a fit of tears right back where I started 14 years ago in a crazy cycle at least once a week, and one full PMS week a month, and 9 full months of the year whenI am pregnant.

Ha! Ok, I exaggerate for emphasis. You know this about me by now! But it is a haunting flaw in my life that I fear will bring a terrible result someday. After all, the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. How can I sow unkindness and expect to reap righteousness?

I can tell you this, as I seek the Lord for the help and the how, He is changing me with little I intentional behavior modification from me. Twice the kids have asked me why I am being so nice in the past couple of days. I was excited both times to say, "God is changing me! I am begging Him to!!" It's amazing to when someone else notices.

Not that I have already arrived, or always behave perfectly, but my freak outs are much less common and I am always asking forgiveness asap after the incident.

I can tell you why too. It is because, if You seek the Lord, He will be found! Not in one day for one day, but each day a pursuit of it's own. My spiritual survival and growth DEPENDS on seeking the Lord daily, as daily bread for life. Praying, searching the Scriptures, journaling my progress and failures. The practice of righteousness is not an irregular exercise, but a daily effort.

Pray for me, my sweet friends! I don't want to lose this zeal! I am so excited to share what I am learning! Until it is complete, I will try to keep you updated here!

Lvb

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