bsmiles and sunny days

 I used to live for the fall, and only the fall. Winter is bearable before Christmas, but after it has passed I would set my eyes on September in an exasperating waiting game. When I moved these lovelies to the front yard where I could watch them do their magic, I had something to look forward to in the spring. The first signs of color after the long winter promised brighter days ahead.  Every year I learn a little more about how to help them thrive. This year I was diligent about dead-heading: the process of removing the wilted flowers to protect new buds and vibrant blooms. As I picked through them every couple of days, I was surprised to find that some of the wilted petals were clinging to new growth and killing it. The poor things wouldn’t have stood a chance without me keeping a close eye to remove the dead things. There are dead things in me that I leave lying around because they don’t seem like they matter until the seemingly insignificant things choke out new life and ...

  Followers of Jesus, be kind and compassionate. Walk in love. #offwiththeold #onwiththenew #Ephesians

There’s a new sheriff in town and things at my house look a little different. These two took to cowboyin’ like fish to water. They spend their days running and shooting and talking about what real cowboys do. It’s remarkable how such a little shift in perspective can give you a real sense of purpose. We spent the past few weeks loading dirt, unloading dirt, digging in the dirt, planting in the dirt, and basically living the homesteaders dream without an actual homestead. I got up early to get a jumpstart on the dirt today, and then spent the day hanging out with my crew before an appointment.  When I got to my car, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and laughed out loud. Not only did I have dirt under my nails and in my cuticles, there was a trail of dirt running down my face. The nurse must have thought I was really falling apart. I promise you I washed my hands multiple times before I left, but when your life is dirt, it shows up everywhere.  For the time being, me a...

 This is Jasper’s posture toward me 75% of every waking hour. He usually follows me around hoping to catch my attention, but when I am sitting down he is relentless. I try to read his eyes, I really do. And that’s probably why he comes to me, because sometimes I know what he needs. But most of the time I get irritated because he looks so eager to communicate with me and there is a language barrier.  Honestly... if I can’t fix it, please stop staring at me. Stop quietly pleading with that high pitched whine. It’s unbearable. My job is to fix things. Problems. Attitudes. Misunderstandings. Broken things. When I can’t fix it or it feels too big for me, it irritates me. Here is a spotlight on my frailty. I am not ok with broken things staying broken. They haunt me when my day turns to quiet. The bathtub. The bathroom faucet. The shower gaps. The kitchen faucet. The peeling caulk. The green stuff on the side of the house. A few dozen other things that raise my blood pressure. ...

 I can remember being 5 years old when I had a dream that no one wanted me, so I walked around my neighborhood looking for a place to live. It wasn’t that I wasn’t wanted in my home; I was well-loved and cared for. It was something inside me, a darkness, that whispered the lies that held me hostage for decades. I wasn’t enough. I would never be enough. I could never do enough to make myself someone that mattered. I didn’t realize that God had this incredible plan for me all those years ago. He was shaping me and guiding my steps and preparing me for all of this. And now here I am, living the dream He planted in my heart, not because I did something to make it happen, but because He loves so beautifully. Because His kindness is boundless. His goodness is endless. His love is so deep and so wide that words cannot begin to describe it. Because He is good, my life is full of meaning and purpose and beauty. We used to sing this song in Sunday night church years ago that articulates my e...

  It didn’t matter what I did to try to stop this day from coming. It was determined to arrive and rob me of another little bird from under my wings. My sweet Deisha turned 13 today. It was bittersweet. She’s had intellect beyond her years since she was little, but she was also sad to say goodbye to her tween years.  She is a bright light with boundless energy and imagination. Daily she sits with her notebook, scribbling out storylines in a world she has created with rich characters that have become like family to her. Sometimes people tell me we did a good job and that’s why our kids are amazing. As much as I would love to take the credit, I can only thank God that He chose us to raise them. Children are born people. They are becoming the people they will be. In His mercy, God grants us the privilege of holding onto them for a little while. I’m really grateful today that I get to be Deisha’s mom on her 13th birthday.  “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit o...

  I’m still floating on the wake of our anniversary party. I keep going back to the pictures and videos and pouring over them with pure indulgence. I can’t get enough. My heart is so full I feel like I could burst. And then I come across these pictures, and I’m struck to the core.  Life in a big family came with it’s own set of rules. The oldest kid ran things, and everyone else did what they had to do to survive. My parents were faithful and diligent in tending to our needs, but they were busy bringing home the bacon and keeping the house in order. When we were left to our own devices, there was tyranny. I never dreamed we would like each other. Not like this.  This photo is the evidence of God’s faithfulness. The people in this photo are more dear to me than I could ever fully articulate. They get my jokes. They know my harmonies. We share a long history and the same bloodline. We belong together, even as adults living in different states. We are still one family with e...

Saturday marked one of the happiest surprises of my life. On the weekend before our 25th wedding anniversary, my people got together for a huge surprise celebration. I knew a few details about it, but I had no idea what all would be involved.  Family and friends came from near and far to wish us well and congratulate us for staying together for all these years. It was a huge deal for me because I really wanted a wedding remake, but I didn’t have the physical or creative energy to make it happen. That’s what made this even more wonderful. Everyone worked hard to make it an incredible day for us, including a beautiful cake table and etched stemware to commemorate the day.  All day long, all I could think about was how God remained faithful to keep us together through so many impossible things. Even when we had given up on each other, God never gave up on us. We made a covenant with Him, and He held up His end and both of ours too, during hard times. I am not so naive to think di...