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bsmiles and sunny days

"Be desirous of doing the will of another, rather than thine own. Choose always to have less, rather than to have more. Seek always to have the lowest place, and to be inferior to everyone. Wish always, and pray, that the will of God may be wholly fulfilled in Thee." E. Prentiss

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- August 01, 2007

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quicksand

- June 29, 2021

I had my first hand-held video game when I was in grade school. It had two buttons, L and R, that were used to dodge cars and debris in the road. I was insanely jealous when my brother was given a watch that he could play Pac-Man on. I love video games. I love them too much. When Dale and I were first married I used to sit at the computer and play Burger Shop for hours and hours. As a young mom I spent all my free moments playing Solitaire on the desktop. In my darkest depression I played Diner Dash while the days and weeks passed unnoticed. I can remember feeling the shame of wasting so much time staring at a screen. My hand would cramp up from holding the mouse, and instead of taking that as a cue to stop, I’d shake my hand out and keep clicking away. My vices, while they may seem harmless, entrap me nonetheless. Sugar and video games work like quicksand. I dip my toes in and before I know it I’m sick to my stomach and I can’t move my hand. Pornography is an easy dodge. Overind...

The Days

- August 14, 2023

I found this butterfly on the sidewalk one day. It was lifeless perfection. I couldn’t help but wonder if it just fell out of the sky mid-flight when the end came. It feels like that every time someone I know dies. The end comes abruptly and unexpectedly. It catches in my throat when I think about it. Sometimes there is no warning at all. When Dale’s dad died, I kept thinking, “That’s it. He crossed the finish line without seeing it coming.” There was no time to get better at living. There was no grand finale. It was game over. I’ve always lived with this idea that someday I’ll feel like I’ve arrived on a plateau where I can say, “This is it! This is the place I’ve been working toward all these years.” I’m starting to believe that doesn’t exist here. God designed us to faithfully walk with Him, day by day, through mountains and valleys, good times and bad, always moving but never arriving. With that knowledge, I want my regular, ordinary everydays to bring glory to the...

Bring on the New Year!

- January 05, 2008

After three weeks of dastardly laziness, we are gearing up for *back to normal* Monday. Honestly, I'm kind of dreading it. I don't mind school once we are going strong, but getting into the groove... it's not something I do well. For one thing, I'm pregnant and everything that seems to be going smoothly in my life goes haywire when those torrential hormones start corsing through my veins. For another, I know we have conferences coming up again and I just don't test well so I turn into a nervous wreck. Our teacher, who oversees our progress and turns in reports on us, is remarkably generous to me and my crew when it comes to this time of the quarter, but I'm still a nervous wreck for several days before the meeting. On the other hand, I am holding to a resolution that I made after Christmas: to get back on the healthy track. While Dale's parents were here we ate out, ate ice cream between meals out, ate a couple of meals at the bowling alley, and ate ou...