relevance

I’ve been considering changing my hair for a few months. Nothing drastic, just different. I am not consumed with appearances until someone says I should think about doing something differently because it would make me look younger. It feeds a part of me that is typically starved, not by virtue but rather from convenience.

I started scrolling for hair styles and came across a meme that said something like, “Skinny jeans and side part, don’t care.” Ok. Not only did I not realize that those things had become outdated, I thought they were keeping me in the stream of relevance. Then I started thinking about my girls and how their shelves are stacked with a style of jeans that I wouldn’t even know how to find, let alone wear.

A friend once told me that the thought of becoming irrelevant was terrifying. I said that I was dreaming of those days, and I meant it. But when I read that meme and felt the reality of my irrelevance, it hit me hard. I quaked in the depths and realized it is happening already. 

There are two parts of me that constantly wage war on the inside. I want to be rejected by the popular vote and also praised by it. I want to celebrate the few minutes I spend in front of a mirror and also look like I was there for hours. I want to give it all away and still have everything. It’s maddening. 

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭7:15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/bible/59/rom.7.15.esv

Have mercy of me, oh God, according to your unfailing love.

lvb