One day

-

Update:  I am still eating under control, exercising five times a week, and asking God to keep me in check.

In other news: I feel like I am going under.

Last night I started to let the floodgates down, and there was a torrent of emotion that I am unable to explain. I am still fighting to put a lid on the tears 12 hours later.

I know it's hormonal. That knowledge is no less upsetting than if I had a more reasonable explanation for my sadness.

I am fighting depression everyday.

I feel displaced.

Maybe its because my house is such a mess. Or because I am exhausted from doing even the bare minimums. I feel guilty for neglecting the mountainous emotional needs of these precious ones placed in my care.

I sort of pride myself on their self-sufficiency but and landblasted when their hearts are laid bare and they are needy and unattended under all of that responsibility.

Who am I that God would continue to extend His blessing to me in this desperate and wretched estate? What really matters here?

I am bombarded with these questions on top of this crazy mess. It sends me reeling, which compels me to climb back into my bed, the only plausible solution.

I need help, but I'm not sure what with. I need hope, even though the Jesus, the hope of glory, resides within me.

It's a terrible feeling.

Lvb

Comments

  1. Stewart FamilyAugust 20, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    I am amazed that you are still exercising 5 days a week! Maybe your body is telling you that eight is enough. I don't remember you ever feeling this way before or you never expressed it like this before. Everything is downhill now! You are almost done!! Hang in there. Exercise if it makes you feel better, eat something if it makes you feel better. You are right, this is totally hormonal! love you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

quicksand

-
Image
  I had my first hand-held video game when I was in grade school. It had two buttons, L and R, that were used to dodge cars and debris in the road. I was insanely jealous when my brother was given a watch that he could play Pac-Man on. I love video games. I love them too much. When Dale and I were first married I used to sit at the computer and play Burger Shop for hours and hours. As a young mom I spent all my free moments playing Solitaire on the desktop. In my darkest depression I played Diner Dash while the days and weeks passed unnoticed. I can remember feeling the shame of wasting so much time staring at a screen. My hand would cramp up from holding the mouse, and instead of taking that as a cue to stop, I’d shake my hand out and keep clicking away. My vices, while they may seem harmless, entrap me nonetheless. Sugar and video games work like quicksand. I dip my toes in and before I know it I’m sick to my stomach and I can’t move my hand. Pornography is an easy dodge. Overind...
Read more

pruning

-
Image
  This may come as a shock to some people, but I’m extremely maternal. The impulse to nurture shows up in the weirdest ways. I sweet-talk my sourdough. I pray over my plants and tell them they are beautiful. I have been doting on my little garden every chance I get. It’s brings me an unreasonable amount of happiness to go out in the cool of the day and watch the sprinkler sway, dousing each little plant with refreshment.  With that in mind, you can see how it would pain me to pluck these beautiful buds off as they are beginning their formation. These are my strawberry plants. They need to spend their energy building a strong root system, rather than blooming and growing strawberries, at least not this year. It’s for their own good, but it still hurts me a little when they are trying so hard. Don’t worry, little darlings... Next year you will bring a bountiful harvest the likes of which you cannot even begin to imagine! “...every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it...
Read more

the doing

-
Image
As I transition over to blogging more regularly, I don’t really know if I’ll get off of Facebook completely or not. I just can’t see that far ahead. Trying to keep my sights on what’s “in the headlights”.  I am so grateful for you, my dearest reader, coming along with me here to the blog. It’s like leaving the coffee shop to come sit in my living room. I’ve always felt more at home here.I really want to be able to respond when you engage in the comments. I understand the hassle of having to sign in, but I don’t know who is saying what. It would be great if you could leave your first name under your comment, it would help me to cross the bridge to you. That way I’ll know who’s sitting on the couch with me. ❤️ This weekend is looking like it’s gonna be dreamy and cold. I plan on drinking hot chocolate and starting a puzzle in between the running and doing. Maybe it will ease some of this anxiety that’s burning in my chest.  Lvb
Read more