bsmiles and sunny days

I'm so sick. Of course I saved all my work for the end of  the week so I could have a squeaky clean house when Dale came home. Then I laid in bed all day. I'm up now. Hoping to get all that squeaky cleaning done in the next hour so I can go back to bed. Ugh... I wish I had a video recorder going at all times so you could hear my little girls singing and some of the wacky antics of the boys or the screaming and laughing from the big girls. But today I'm glad you can't see into our world. It's kind of a mess and I am a lazy cow. This is what it comes down to. I may be the glue in this house but Dale is the structure. He gives our lives deadlines and goals and destinations. I don't do well without him. Maybe I have needed a break but mostly I am very very lazy if I can be. And that's what it comes down to. I'm ready for him to be home. I adore him so... Don't get sick, friends. Once it moves in, in never goes ...

4:30 am I am wide awake. Dale is gone It storming Fan is blowing It's the perfect combination for sleep But I'm wide awake. A few things... I'm sick. I've been sick off and on for months. I get better and then my lymph nodes swell up And I wake up in the middle of the night Sore and parched. I'm worried. 15 weeks pregnant and I haven't told my boss. I have a hunch she knows Buuuut I fear it will hurt her feelings That I haven't told her. I didn't want her to worry. Now I'm worried. Funny. I am brainstorming how to quit my job And still bring in some income. I have done a few things recently In the budget that will help. Not enough. So here I am awake. Wiiiiiiiide awake. I'm thinking about turning the tv on. No reason I can't, I'm all alone down here. It's a strange feeling, To be all alone. I've been considering Beginning a writing project. My life as a novel. Someone suggested it years ago...

I got up early and went to work. I came home early from work and planned frozen pizza for dinner since the older kids and Dale would be gone all night. I was reeling from the possibilities of what I could do with all that time I'd have to myself after the little ones went to bed. So after we ate dinner, I decided to put the bunk beds back up. The three little girls live in one room one the main floor with too many toys and about twice that much trash between the three of them. It makes me crazy. So I thought, hey, Micah's here, and together we could put up the bunk beds in a flash. Hahahahhahahahahahahaha... So I got out my drill and went to work but first I had to clear a path to the beds. Then I had to gather up some of the piles of stuff into a trash bag to get it out of the way. Then after I moved the beds out from the wall, removed the mattresses, piled a huge mountain of stuff on Scarlette's junior bed, I put the drill to the hexbo...

The power of the Gospel is something to consider. The Gospel is God's message of SALVATION and JUSTICE to the world. It's not just the good news of love and mercy, even though it is that. It's the whole truth.  Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. It's a critical part of the Gospel message that is rarely preached. The Gospel is the heart of God to humanity. Your confession of faith is only the beginning. We are memorizing Romans 8 as a family. Maybe that's why it's so prevalent in my mind. Listen to what it says. "...for if you are living according to the flesh you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the flesh you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God." If you're not, then you're not. I've been in church a long time. I've listened to Dale rant for a long time about how the Gospel isn't being preached in churc...

I've been reading. I don't know what it is about GK Chesterton that pushes me into serious thought but he does. I keep mulling these thoughts over and over in my mind... Life in Christ is not an emotional thrill ride. If yours is you might want to check your ticket. I lived this way for years. When I didn't feel anything, I was lost. There was nothing to my faith past the weekly tears and joy the kneeling and leaping. My occasional Bible reading hardly laid a foundation for my understanding of who God is. Loving Jesus is so much more. The gospel message of Jesus Christ in action leaves little to be desired. It's deeply satisfying. It's rich and abundant. But it's not always emotional. I am so thankful to know the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, apart from the shenanigans. Seeking the Lord out of obedience, Studying His Word out of obedience. Praying without ceasing out of obedience creates depth that cannot be explained...

I had a minor infection. All those visits, heels in the stirrups, biopsies, self-diagnoses, to learn that I have a mild infection that should clear itself up. It's funny, after that first visit, the one with the doctor that recommended a hysterectomy before my exam, I actually said the words, "I don't need my uterus anymore." It's been good to me. Adios. Some good friends recommended otherwise. A hysterectomy, while it seemed like a quick and easy fix, was not the answer. Praise God in His sovereignty. He knew better. I was scheduled to say goodbye to my uterus on January 22nd. You can imagine my surprise when that very day I saw a barely-there line on a pregnancy test. Three days of pregnancy tests with faint lines was evidence enough for me. I guess I'm not quite done with my uterus after all. In fact, I believe I'll house it as long as possible. It's been good to me, It's the least I can do. Seriously...

  Beautiful girl... Happy birthday, Jas! You are a treasure.   lvb

Sooo... my pap came back abnormal. I don't really care what it is. I don't feel good. I feel achy and crampy and my back hurts and I want them to just remove all parts not functioning at optimum speed. I know it's a lot to ask of a uterus to birth eight healthy babies but seriously, don't give me fits. It's your job. Right? Stay with me! We've got a long road to retirement! Anyways... I'm hoping that they say, Lets just remove some parts. Then I don't have to decide if we should do it or not. I go back next week for further testing. That's when I'll ask if she would recommend a hysterectomy. Or not. But it's a drag... waiting not knowing. In other news, my dear friend needs prayer. Her 7 year old just had major surgery. Weeks past, they found a lump on her chest. Pray that it's nothing and will go away. She's so little. Precious girl... poor mama. Her name is Emma. In case you were wonder...

So happy to announce that my biopsy came back normal! I'm still waiting for the pap results But I am believe that We are through the worst Of the waiting. Happy days! No cancer! In other news I'm terribly addicted to Indulgences. Food Coffee Facebook Candy Crush Not doing housework Anything that distracts me from working. I can't get straight in my head That these responsibilities ARE NOT OPTIONAL! I have managed to make dinner Most nights this week. Buuut... everything else is Kind of a disaster. I need to just Kick it into high gear And get stuff done. Mercy... So much to do. It's overwhelming. I open the garage door and there is Laundry waiting to be done, Recycling to be picked up Garage needs to be straightened up. Into the kitchen door I see that The dishes are piled up, There's food on the counter, There's trash on the floor next to the trash can Next to more recycling. Ugh... Piles of things need to be put away Al...

Subzero wind chill. Daddy is sick. Mosee is sick. Scarlette may or may not be sick. We are snuggled down in front of the tv. These are the best days of our lives. Thank you, Lord. Lvb

The nurse called this morning. Blood work is perfect. I'm cleared, right? That should mean that everything else is good. Except that is still feel kind of crampy and grumpy. I need to just get serious about turning on the busy and turning off the wallowing in the What ifs. Homeschooling... I know its the right thing to do. I fear that I am failing my children. Not that public school Would really Or could possibly Benefit them more than my efforts On the whole. I just wish I could do more with each one. I wish that I could do the fun, interesting, exciting things more often. Boohoo. Pipe dreams. Housekeeping... Same story. Babysteps to cleaner. Babysteps to organized. Babysteps to decluttering. Babysteps to streamlining. Help me, Lord, To accept that there is only one me, And I can only do so much. Lvb

I've been pouring over the internet in search of someone with my story. Same symptoms Same turn of events Same everything. Needless to say, She's not there. Hours of searching to no avail. What I did find was a lot of anxiety. This weekend my sister said I covered well, hosting our local family Christmas party. I wasn't covering, I really just didn't think about it. But not long after they left, I thought about it. And cried a little. After my appointment I felt better. Still there's no explanation for my symptoms. And still I am waiting for lab results that will tell me if I have cancer or not. But the anxiety is at bay. I just realized this morning that I don't have that sneaking lingering encroaching fear. And I think it's because People are praying for me. Lots of prayers from hearts of love and genuine concern. It's the only way I can imagine feeling so strangely at peace with everything still in hanging in...

I saw my real doctor. I was scared of the biopsy. It sounded extremely painful. An in office procedure with no anesthesia. It wasn't terrible. It was worse seeing the tissue in the vial. She did lots of labs. She said she didn't see anything that would make her think it's cancer. The biopsy, however, only screens for cancer. I suppose there's always a chance, But I feel better. This doctor takes a lot of time. She asks a lot of questions. She is thorough and intentional. There are no hasty assumptions. No room for emotion. All business. Her calm diligence made me feel better. I'll let you know As soon as I know. Thank you for praying. The Lord is endlessly good. Lvb

For the past few nights I have spent hours pouring over articles on Adenomyosis Uterine Cancer Endometrial Cancer and the biopsy process. Hours and hours reading and reading. I've completely freaked myself out. I keep trying to fight off tears. I don't want to cry a lot in front of my crew. They don't need to worry. I can't help but think, "This could be the last time..." On the way to Richmond, before we knew details about Lonnie, I thought, "This could be the last time I drive down this road believing he's ok..." I didn't know he was gone until we were almost there. It was the last time. Scares me. Scares Leila too. She broke down last night. I don't want to worry her. But I'm worried. I don't want to say it's not cancer or that I won't die because I just don't know. I guess it's a big deal if I do have to have surgery. My cousin called and said, "Yeah... so I'm having...

I should have started writing the first day. I had some weird pains during my period, so I took some ibuprofen and it stopped. Next cycle, same thing, only it was much worse.  I was doubled over in tears for a little over an hour. Next day same thing, not as bad. I called my OB/GYN but they couldn't get to me so I went to a family practice in town. She sent me for a sonogram. The pain wasn't unbearable, but a 12-day period is unusual. Better see what's going on. The sonogram should have been quick. It took a long time. It showed thickened endometrial stripe. I was walking through Target when my doctor called. I said, "What does this mean?" She said, "Worst case scenario is endometrial cancer." She said the C word. I didn't hear anything after that. I tried to get in with my OB/GYN but they were taking forever to call me back. So I called another clinic. They got me right in. After a quick conversation, even before a pelvi...