bsmiles and sunny days

It's Wednesday. It's Wednesday at 4:54pm and there is no noise in my house. There's no TV muttering, there's no stomping, there's no jumping, no one is crying, no one wants a snack or a new diaper. No one needs me right now, at this moment, I'm a free bird. Oh don't get me wrong, there's housework; there's always housework, but no one needs my immediate attention. If this were yesterday, I'd be scrambling to get dinner on the table because I slept a minute past four-thirty and I have to get it on by five to get it cleaned up by six so I can get my shower done and the house picked up and the laundry switched and folded before I grab a diet A&W Root Beer and a bag of cheddar bunnies and run out the door to work. But today is not yesterday. It's today and it's quiet. I will probably do a couple of loads of laundry, make myself half a sandwich and a glass of iced tea for dinner, pick up here and there, *things that Dale will notice so he...

We love to sit on the porch. It's not glamorous, it's not fantastic to anyone else, but if you've heard me talk about it you'd think it was the most covetted place in the world to be. For me it is. We used to go out there at night when it was cool and the kids were in bed because we can talk or not and just be together. Sometimes when Dale gets home from work, he'll go out there to unwind and naturally we all eventually join him. Last night we sat out there for about thirty minutes before the kids went to bed because it was so cold yesterday! I call it Fall Teaser because you know we'll have at least two more scorchers before the heat fizzles out. The kids played hide and seek in the yard with Sarah (she's back!!!) while we talked. When we came back in the house, we had a message. Usually the messages on our machine are from his family, my family or any one who is not currently in the house. So when I heard a stranger's voice, my pulse picked up. ...

This morning as I walked toward my car after work I caught a glimpse of the sky, and I stopped dead in my tracks. The entire expanse was overcast and gray except for a tiny window of light directly before my gaze. At first I was mezmerized by the gray as it appeared to me the clear blue patch was moving away, but then I realized it was the gray that was moving to make way for the perfect beauty of a crystal blue sky, lined with whisps of fine white clouds. For a minute it sort of took my breath away because all around me it was dark except for this one tiny patch of light. I looked around again to see for certain if there were any other open areas but this was it; it drew me in. I took a deep breath and gazed for another minute before I climbed into my van and headed home. Get it? Well do ya!? Of course you don't because normal people don't look for God in the sky or hear His voice like a whisper in a glimpse of white clouds, but not everyone is as desperate as I am to ...

We had this really great plan after Dale's first year of school; we were going to start in September of the fall semester of his third year making a valid attempt to create a baby. It never was an effort for us, just nix one step in the process. It seems unfair, but we have gladly accepted each precious blessing in perfect timing. Naturally we were totally freaked when I read two lines on the destiny stick in January, the spring semester of his second year. Our schedules were crazy, we had a complex schedule of sitters lined of for mornings, noons, and nights. I was exhausted working nights and home schooling and staying on top of the housework while Dale worked tirelessly on homework, reading everywhere we went, writing papers into the wee hours of morning, and often working two jobs. *He did all his studying at home engulfed in the chaos of life here because he wanted to spend every free minute near us. He's my hero.* I looked at that crazy thing and laughed. And laughed. A...

She's five and I hadn't gotten her final set of shots yet, so I decided to take her in today along with Leila to get her boosters. It was almost more than I could take when I told her. She had no idea that she was also on the shot roster when we left the house. I couldn't stand her being terrified all the way there and then during the course of the wait, so I finally told her when we were within minutes of being called back to the dreaded event. I felt so awful about the whole thing I almost laughed when I told her. I know that sounds terrible, but it was emotional overload. My body almost betrayed me and forced out the laugh. I knew she wouldn't believe me if I gave in to it though, so I just held my ground as my lips quivered. "You're getting a shot today too, honey." She stared in disbelief as the words, like the serum, coursed their way from her ears to her brain to her thoughts. After a few minutes she buried her face in my arm and cried and squeezed ...

SIS: "Who was she going to see???" ME: "Her boyfriend." AUNTIE: "I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" ME: "Daniel" *snicker* SIS: *glances as AUNTIE and back at ME with a knowing smile and snicker* She's going to be nine in seven weeks. She'll be moving out in eight... Not really. I tend to over exaggerate the drama in my life, it's what I live for. We had this conversation yesterday and it was funny because Kennedy has jumped conversation brackets. The other kids still get giggles and tickles. She's moving past that. We talk about why people behave the way they do when it seems to make such perfect sense for them to do the right thing. We talk about the things girls have to deal with as they grow like why sometimes she has a best friend at church one week and the next her best friend moves when she sits down by her. It's exciting to me that we are already building the conversation in our relationship. I fully anticipated her bein...

Take a picture of this!" *enter into conversation: Tre.* He held this pose while my half dead batteries puttered to reload the next frame. Is he not a perfect reflection of his daddy? And then there are times when he reflects more than his wild side. This child has forced us to consider EVERY POSSIBLE FACET of discipline. He has, since he was 18 months old, pushed the limits minute by minute. And yet he is so sweet; it's been his saving grace his whole life. Lucky for me I too have had the gift of grace extended to me. I don't have any goodness in me, not a single ounce. The farther I reach for my Father's character, the farther I drift from being even momentarily within reach. This job as a CNA, the thorn in my flesh, has taught me nothing except that there is no good in me, nothing good. I work really hard to be kind, to be nice, to say the right thing, to be patient, to handle conflict amidst the beatings and curses and crying and frustration; inevitably I fail... a...