bsmiles and sunny days

When I was in high school, I wore styles that were years ahead of my time. I was among a small group of weirdos that wore combat boots with dresses and shopped at thrift stores. We were an oddity. I knew how to find things that looked right.  I seriously do not know how to pick out clothes anymore. I go into Target and I’m so overwhelmed by all the choices and styles, I usually walk away empty-handed. I’d rather just wear the clothes I have because they’ve all been vetted by my children.  Today I went in to buy some shoes for one of my girls and decided to pick some out for me too. The more I looked and tried things on, the more overwhelmed I got so I used one of my lifelines. I called my sister.  Just like my daughters do for me, she vetoed everything I picked out. Then she got online and found a pair on Target.com and sent me a picture. They weren’t the ones I’m wearing in the photo. They were much more on-trend, or however you say that now.  I recognize that I gra...

  This dog is a fierce opponent of mine. For over a year I have avoided the last leg of my two-mile walk because of his ferocious bark. I have a fear of dogs from childhood that is pretty irrational, but I am able to reason myself out of running scared, sometimes. Instead of walking to the end of his block, I would just retrace the distance over an area that was dog-free. It felt silly, but it kept me safe. Then one day there were two walkers ahead of me that managed to get to the end of the block with no sign of attack. I could hear the dog barking, but he didn’t approach, so I assumed there was an electric fence. Oh the joy I felt at this discovery! I began to shed my fear and walk freely to the end of the trail.  I was so happy about my newfound freedom that I decided to write about it. So one day, I stopped on the sidewalk in front of the dog’s house to take a photo of him. Before I knew it he was charging at me, barking viciously. He got closer and closer and I walked qui...

  The ground was wet from an early rain when I went out for a walk this morning. The asphalt was littered with what looked like twigs from the trees, but there were too many. When I knelt down to investigate I saw that they were earthworms, all stretched out like sticks taking in pools of moisture from the road. It must have seemed like easy access to water. The asphalt doesn’t have the capacity to absorb the water, so what doesn’t run off just stands there in puddles. So there they were, what must have been hundreds of worms, indulging in the abundance of rainwater. But the further I went, the fewer there were. As the sun rose and the numbers diminished I noticed that for some of them, it was too late. The sidewalk was dry, the sun was shining, and there was no way to get back to the safety of the soil. It was like they got so caught up in what was right in front of them that they forgot that the sun was coming. They didn’t get back to the grass before it was too late.  When ...

In our waking and arising  be the first thought  that enters our head In our eating and drinking  be the first thought that enters our head In our walking and journeying  be the first thought that enters our head In our working and serving  be the first thought that enters our head In our sowing and harvesting   be the first thought that enters our head In our rejoicing and sorrowing  be the first thought that enters our head In our resting and sleeping  be the first thought that enters our head Father, unite our hearts as we fix our thoughts on you.

We just watched the most incredible film called... I cried long before the halfway point and all the way to the end.  It’s the story of our brokenness and shame, all of us who have struggled with sexual trauma and addiction. The wreckage that compounds in our lives as we run and hide and lie and bury all of our secrets, festers and oozes into everything in our wake. And yet God is there. Always pursuing. Always relentless in His love for us. Never hesitating to begin again. He is our soul retriever.  Tell someone. Let the light in and let the healing begin. You are not alone. “I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.” ‭‭Hosea‬ ‭2:19-20‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬ https://www.bible.com/bible/100/hos.2.19-20.nasb1995 https://www.amazon.com/Heart-Man-William-Paul-Young/dp/B0771VX46V/ref=nodl_

  This road is home to my long walks. It welcomes me with beautiful days of fresh air and sunshine and other days of dark clouds and drizzle with no promise of better days ahead. It gives what it has to give with no expectation of return or approval.  It’s been a long week full of questions. I’ve been walking around in a cloud. It’s not depression, I’d recognize that devil from a mile away. It’s anticipation of what may come. But even in a hazy uncertainty, I am not afraid. There is nothing in this life that can take hold    of me when I am held by the Keeper of my heart, Jesus Christ.  “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:38-39‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬ https://www.bible.com/bible/100/rom.8.38-39.nasb1995

  We had a lovely visit with the seller of our new truck and his wife as the paperwork and money changed hands. It felt surreal as we pulled out of their neighborhood onto a busy street. I couldn’t quite make sense out of the events that followed. I remember slowing down for an intersection ahead of us, Dale was driving the truck and I was following him in the van, when I heard what sounded like an explosion behind me. Before I had a chance to look, I felt the impact and lurched forward, then slammed my head on the headrest. It was like getting hit in the back of the head with a volleyball. I had the awareness to hit my breaks so I wouldn’t also hit Dale and our new truck.  Dale ran to me to see if I was ok and survey the damage. Ours was considerable, but the vehicles behind me appeared to be totaled. Both of the other drivers were teenagers. I wanted so much to hug them and tell them it was going to be ok and let them sit in my warm car instead of standing in the rain. They ...

  I obsess over things. I’ve been obsessed with my weight since the 6th grade when I realized that I weighed more than most of the girls in my class. By 9th grade, I stopped growing. My health teacher posted a chart that showed that at 5’5”, I should weigh 125. That was what I weighed in the 6th grade. That number is branded into my brain.  I’ve been on the diet train ever since I became aware of my imperfect body image at 11 years old. Every diet I’ve ever heard of, I have either tried or considered. When I was in high school, I was watching an infomercial about a magic diet device. Before you ate anything unhealthy, you would sniff this devise, and you’d crave healthy food. For example, you could be looking at a chocolate cake, and after you sniffed the device, you would be content to eat a salad with no dressing. It was $70, which was a lot of money. (You could go to a movie on Friday night for $5 back then.) It appeared to help the people on TV lose weight without any actu...

  We have been talking about buying a truck for several years, since our old red one flew the coop. I wasn’t    in a hurry because our next driver was still young, but as the days flew by, it became more urgent. Dale is a meticulous researcher and chased down several leads before settling on one that seemed too good to be true. We hopped in the car to lay the money on the table, but when we arrived, the owner informed us that the truck sold just moments before. We were disappointed but trusted that God had something else in mind for us. As we turned to go, the sweet gentleman offered us this lovely token of kindness for our trouble. I was so moved, I wished that we could have visited more with him. The next day, Dale received a message that the deal on the truck had fallen through, and it was now available to us. I was overjoyed! Of course having an opportunity to purchase the truck we really wanted was great, but I knew we would have another chance to interact with this ...

  I didn’t want to post a photo that included my fireplace full of junk. I don’t like it when people come to my house and my bathroom smells like the men’s room at a gas station. I have a vacuum plugged in next to my car in the garage, not only because it is good practice to keep things clean, but because I don’t want it to be messy if you ride with me.  I love order and simplicity, but my life is full of disorder and complicacy. Even when I am the one that puts the groceries and dishes and laundry away, my careful stacking and folding and sorting is disheveled within the hour. It doesn’t make me a mess. Actually, I am a mess, I just don’t like to say it out loud. I keep things. Today I found a paper Christmas bag that I received three months ago, and I stashed it in the garage because I might possibly need a quick gift bag next Christmas in nine months. I don’t know what I have to do next weekend because I barely know what day it is today. I laugh a lot because I trip over no...

For You have made me, and You cannot forget me.   The Valley of Vision pg. 65 What do you believe? Do you believe that God is the creator of the heavens and the earth and all that is in the earth? If you truly believe that, than do you not also believe that He created you? If God has created you, then you must believe that God could never forget you. You are not forgotten, but you are loved by the very One who formed you. He dreamed you up and gave you your personality in all its intricacy. He shaped you perfectly and drew your eyebrows in delicate lines over your eyes. He sculpted your fingertips with such distinction that no one else can match the tiny lines running over your skin.  If the very God who made you with all of this tender loving care would go to such lengths, do you really believe that He could also forget you? Even in your darkness He loved you with an everlasting love. You are not forgotten, darling. Reach for Him. Call out to Him. Draw near to Him and He will...

  A few months ago, Dale told me that his friend and his wife were coming to spend several days with us, and they had a bunch of kids. He gave me very few other details. I wasn’t sure about food or expectations or times or activities or anything else. I had to just wait and see.  When they arrived, I introduced myself to the man and woman and two beautiful young girls. I asked if they had brought any other children, and they said that Teddy was 5, and he had already gone upstairs with the boys.    That was my first clue that we were    going to get along famously.  We ate and talked and laughed and went to sonic happy hour. The kids were wild and everywhere having loads of fun together. After dinner, I went into my room to get something and found Teddy’s shoe on my bed. I laughed and snapped a photo to remember how quickly our friends became like family.  I don’t know why we are all so segregated from each other in our world. It seems like no one ...

  I saw this gentleman inspecting the fresh flowers at Aldi today, and I got a little mushy over it. He was picking up each bunch and holding it as if to contemplate if it was the perfect bouquet for someone really special. When he settled on the roses, I knew it was.  I stood in line sifting through why I felt so moved by his deliberate choosing. It seemed important even though the flowers were only $3.99. It seemed as though he was carefully considering the perfect arrangement because it mattered. It seemed like an engagement of the heart. I thought about how many times I’ve just grabbed something for someone without really considering the receiver first. I hate to say it, but sometimes I choose things that are easy so I won’t come empty-handed, knowing very well that a carefully chosen gift can be a key to the heart. Dale does this for me. Even though my love language is words, he lavishes his love on me in the form of gifts. For Christmas I asked for a pair of nice socks f...

 For my 30th birthday, my family arranged a retro Worlds of Fun meet-up, like we used to do when I was a kid. I mean aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents; the works. Being 20 years past those early days, not as many people were able to come, but I was still thrilled that it was happening. Now, I say there weren’t a lot of people, but I had a lot of kids at that point, and we needed man-on-man defense in order to get them all home with us at the end of the day. We all took turns riding roller coasters with the bigger kids, and doing kiddie rides and playing games with the little ones. At one point, Dale and I were each with a big kid, and my mom was planted with two littles and the baby. Jasmine was probably 4 at the time. I don’t know if she saw someone pass by and thought it was me, or what, but she took off running headlong into mobs of people. My mom did her best to go after her, collecting the other two and calling her name, but Jasmine could not hear her or see her. Not knowin...

  I’m good at a few things. Words. Music. Food. I’m not good at a lot more things. Planning dinner. Organizing stuff. Keeping up with the laundry. Remembering. And the list goes on... When my energy is focused on any one things, most other things tend to fall by the wayside.  This laundry has been sitting here for days. I have been yanking what is needed and dumping more on top every time I wash another load. It’s been on my list every day, and it keeps not getting done. I haven’t missed writing every night, but I can’t seem to get the laundry folded. I’d just like to publicly apologize to my family for neglecting things when I get fixated on something else. I don’t think they care as long as they have what they need. They    don’t seem to mind just kicking these baskets out of the way. I care. I feel the task looming over me like a scary giant, threatening to swallow me up if I let one more clean load land on top.  There is mercy for me and my piles, even thoug...

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with depression and tendencies to isolate myself from people. In college I went through a lot of seasons of ups and downs, being so far from home. One day during a dark season, a friend of mine called. I had been playing the recluse, and she asked me to come down the hall to her dorm room. I didn’t wanna go, but it was only four doors down and I wasn’t good at saying no, so I went. When I got to her room, I noticed that her even with a smile on her face, her eyes were red and her mascara was running at the corners of her eyes. She said, “Becca, I was in here praying, and God brought you to my mind. During my quiet time with God, He was thinking of you! He knew you needed Him and He wanted me to come and find you.” I sobbed in her dorm that day. That the God of the universe would alert someone else of my need, in order for Him to reach me, took my breath away. When the clouds were so thick that I could not hear Him, He sent word to a helper...

Lord Jesus Christ,  Fill me with thy Spirit that I may be occupied with his presence.        I am blind — send him to make       me see;        dark — let him say, ‘Let there be       light!’  May he give me faith to behold        my name engraven in thy hand,        my soul and body redeemed by       thy blood,       my sinfulness covered by the life       of pure obedience.  Replenish me by his revealing grace,        that I may realize my       indissoluble union with thee;        that I may know thou hast        espoused me            to thyself forever,           in righteousness, love, mercy,           faithfulness;          that I am on...

A  friend recently challenged me to extend my 5 minutes of silence with God to 15 I thought it would be difficult, but I love it. I look forward to this precious, “not of this world” time for every single day. What’s interesting is that my mind wants to keep working while I’m being still. It wants to pray. It wants to write;    I get so many ideas during this time! It wants to schedule things I’ve forgotten. It wants to send texts to people that I could just send real quick. It wants to be in charge. I have to keep reminding it, like a child, to quiet down and listen.  Today I cracked the window open. It was early in the morning and there wasn’t a lot of noise besides the birds. Last week we were at the park and the birds were just chattering like crazy! I was enamored by their language to each other and called my boys to stop and listen. One of them said, “I don’t want to. Birds are annoying!”  I was quick to answer, “No they’re not! They are singing the songs ...

  I distinctly recall studying robins in the second or third grade, and learning that they come out in the spring. I never paid much attention when I was younger, but now I see them everywhere as spring approaches. This photo doesn’t do justice in representing the countless robins in this one yard. I was dumbstruck when I saw them, but I snapped a photo so I could remember. There were so many!  I’m in love with the seasons. Every one has a place in my heart that I wouldn’t trade for anything. We lived in one of the most beautiful areas in California for three years. I felt so fancy when I found out we were moving there; I’m just a Kansas girl, you know. The temperature was in the 60s and 70s year round. We were 5 miles from the beach and 15 minutes from sprawling acres of beautifully kept vineyards. There were mountains just outside the city limits, and flower fields that were so big, you could smell the fragrance from your car if you had the windows down.  But it wasn’t ...

With the frenzied influx of information in the past few weeks over the corona virus, I can’t help but think about this. ⁣ See these guys? In the middle of Target, engaged much like their engagement at home, at our dining room table. Right here in the middle of Target. It’s not our home, and we still know who we are and how to be us wherever we are. ⁣ Just like our lives on a grander scale. This world is not our home. We are citizens of heaven. Whether we live or die, our help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth. ⁣ So lift your head up. And don’t be afraid. We are not among those who are without hope.⁣ “But when these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”⁣ ‭‭Luke‬ ‭21:28‬ ‭NASB‬‬⁣ https://www.bible.com/bible/100/luk.21.28.nasb⁣

This is about to get real. We have a one and a half story house. I live on the main floor. As a matter of fact, if you’ve ever been in my house, you have probably been in my room because the only bathroom on the main floor is in my room. That design is my least favorite feature of the house. There is another bathroom upstairs, but I rarely send my guests upstairs. As you can imagine with all these kids using a it for 11 years, it’s not in great shape. The kids’ bathroom has always been a bane to me. I don’t want to go up there. I don’t want to check it after chores. I don’t even go upstairs very often because it’s the kids’ lair. And the hall gets messy. I know it’s irresponsible. I know it falls to me to make sure the walls aren’t falling down up there, but I avoid it. When it makes it to the top of the que on my list, it’s usually because of some disaster that has transpired. Or a lightbulb is out. I couldn’t tell you how long ago it was that Leila told me the sink was cracked. I...