bsmiles and sunny days

For the past few nights I've been staying awake for hours. Way too late. It's the only time of the day that I'm alone. By alone I mean no one asking me for anything, no one climbing on me. no one needing me, yet. Even now, writing these words, I'm nodding off. but the solitude... is the solitude really that much more important than sleep? I'd dare say yes. I don't know how He chose me for this. I get so overwhelmed. I'm so underqualified. My character is weak. I'm poor in so many ways and yet He gave me this wealth. Tonight I had one of those moments when I wished I could have seen video footage of it. I wished I could've posted said footage. I compare my life to conducting a symphony. Multiple times a day there are several conversations directed toward me at the same time while I'm cooking or cleaning or managing schoolwork or all of the above. Some days I impress myself other times I blow. I don't...

I have this overwhelming sense That I'm not doing something  All the time. The thought crosses my mind On a daily basis. In getting ready to listen to a webinar On focus. It's the same guy that did the last one That reminded me to focus. I considered not even listening in. Honestly, is it possible to focus in my life? I wish someone would come in here And show me how to do this With focus. I know what the Bible says is true. Seek first the kingdom of God... But what does that amount to? Could it really come down to  Reading a chapter of my Bible In between  Sips of slim fast or breakfast Changing diapers Cleaning up spilled cereal  And hunting down the lost things that No one can find but me? My prayers are  Desperate Sporadic Does that matter to God? Is that seeking Him first? It seems more like filler. Like Here's my heart Lord Mixed up in the pieces of a  My scattered hairbrained mess of a day. Will He really accept it  As an offering of devotion...

The other night my girls and I went to Still Alice, a movie about a woman with early onset Alzheimers. I've been leaving my trail ever since. "this is our password" "here's my blog address" "in case of alzheimers..." I'm writing. I'm making videos. I'm engaging. I'm engaging my children. When they talk to me, I drop what I'm doing I put down my phone, out of reach. I laugh out loud as often as possible. I spent the first half of my parenting career teaching my littles about social graces. I didn't laugh if it wasn't funny. I've decided it's more important for them to feel accepted, to be brave enough to sing or be funny, than to learn grown-up social graces. You know those things that moms say? I hear myself saying them. I used to avoid saying those soccer mom phrases but I started saying them because I care so much that it doesn't matter if its a cliché. All that matters is ...

Dana has all these things going at once in her house The quilt is setup on the stand there is a puzzle on the table and there is a bag of embroidery next to her chair. I was feeling envious until I plugged my computer in. I have all these things going at once. Nothing is required of me here its all just for fun. This is a happy place for me. I've been dreaming of writing something with fluency... remember that one time when I wrote a novel? It was such an escape. I loved it. But I am scared to start again. I want the escape but ... like so many things... I want it to be perfect and come easily. I think about my friend lighting a candle when she seeks the face of God. It represents something sacred. I come here when everyone else is asleep or when everyone else is distracted and write. I love it. It's just me and my thoughts and maybe you. Are you here? I can untie the knots in my brain that rattle me through the day. I feel better after...

Teddy Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." Here lies the bane of my existence... if I really understand what that means. I've been selling for months now this and that. that and this. After catching my breath post-baby, I have been able to hone in on a hearty source of my anxiety. Sales. I don't have any sales this month. Not a single one. It doesn't matter to me as far as priorities go, but I'm watching people around me busting at the seams with sales. It's not the money. It's the comparison. I'm no good... at this. I'm not successful... at selling. I should work harder... to get more sales. Be more focused... on selling. I could do it if I had more time. I should. I would. I could. But...I'm not going to. When I am focused on sales, I'm NOT focused on things that matter. When I'm not focused on things that matter I'm discontent. And my family suffers. And my house suffers....

You know what I think about a lot? When Lonnie died, it was like- It was like his life was cut off right in the middle of living. Like, mid-sentence, he stopped. He was doing life like he did it everyday. He got up, took a shower, made his breakfast, Went to work, picked someone up, dropped someone off He was driving down the road to do the next thing and Done. The end. I tend to live for the next thing. I'm waiting    until the kids are older    until I lose the weight    until we get out of debt To really live. For what? For what?? My race could spontaneously be finished at any given moment. Why would I wait to live my best moments NOW? I'm sitting here with Dale and the big kids watching the walking dead. The guy is dying, staring into nothingness his end is coming. His exit from the apocalyptic world is within reach. And this is what I think about. Did I make it count today? Did I look my sweet little ones in the eye when ...

We had company for part of the day yesterday. I made dinner after they left And almost immediately was sick. Then Scarlette threw up. Then Leila felt sick. I woke up this morning to a sick Micah And Dale. People dropping like flies. Why is it that when I know we can't, I want to go places See people Do things??? But on a regular day It's a desperate attempt to check off the list Get things done Hurry up and finish So I can do it all over again... ? I'm reading a book called Playdates with God. Ironically it talks about the incessant list making. My concern with doing life this way Is that if I don't slow down and Go places See people Do things The very best part of my life will Slip through my fingers And rush me forward to the end Where in my leisure I start losing my people to death I start losing my health to age I start losing my grip on this life. I know I don't want that, But some times my life is hard Which makes me want...

Just for fun I thought I'd share a few recent photos, like this little sweetheart. Sumo-baby and his dimple twin.  Kennedy's graduating this year. It's a year of firsts and lasts. *sniff* I've been trying to be intentional about doing things that are fun, even if it's inconvenient. We get one shot at this. If I don't do it now, my life will go flying before my eyes and All these precious faces will be taking flight. I don't want to miss a single minute of it. This is the life I have always wanted, and here I am living the dream! So fun. So stinkin' fun. Mose and Brother are roommates now. Who knew that day would come?? Scarlette turned 4. She'll be 14 next month, if I don't stop and look her in the eye when she has very important secrets to tell me.   It starts so slowly, you think the end will never come, and then there are glimpses. It's exhilarating And terrifying. Be still my ...

The Last Samuri was this incredible Tom Cruise movie That was scarcely recognized as a masterpiece By anyone that I know of But me. I saw the Narrow Path all through it. I saw the peaceful journey of these Fiercely disciplined people As an allegory to Christianity. I cried through the whole thing Even making notes to myself So I would never forget the impact it made on me. The single most valuable quote in that movie was "Too many mind". As he was training in the Samuri ways, Tom Cruise battled the western curse of Being consumed with all the distractions around him. He paid mind to the people watching His failures The rain His attire... Too many mind. I'm consumed with too many mind. And by this token I am Cloaked in failure. I listened to a webinar right after Christmas By a guy with no regrets. He kept using this term Laser focus. He posed the question,  "What do you want in your life? What is that thing you've been meaning ...