The depths
I'm in this season of self-discovery. I say a season, I mean, a journey. It's a journey that I was really excited about until I started growing. The growing part is really hard. I want to just keep going and adding great things to the parts that are really good and comfortable, but not prune out the stuff that is dead weight. I don't want to have to change things that I like but shouldn't be keeping. (think hoarder) I'm not quite ready to shine light on these vices that need to be uprooted.
I was raised in a perfect house by perfect parents with good Christian morals. I was never openly rebellious. I struggled but not with anything too bad. The path of least resistance suited me. It seemed good and well. I didn't have to face demons. I didn't have to struggle to survive. It was a good life. It was a good life. I had a good life. I did.
Except that I did struggle. I did fight. I did rebel. I did battle my parents. It wasn't perfect. I needed more and didn't know how to ask for it. I wanted better and didn't know where to find it. I longed to be seen and heard and felt invisible.
You creep up on 40 years of living, and you think you've got it all figured out. You're starting to acquire some wisdom. You're getting the hang of things. And then something smacks you in the face, knocks you off the horse, and all of a sudden you're upside-down and backwards. I get the whole mid-life crisis thing. I do. I don't know if that's what this is, but I am more desperate for godly wisdom now than I ever have been before. I need Jesus and His mercy and His goodness and His perfect peace in a way that I never have before. It's real. It's intense. I need Jesus.
When I was 14, my youth group met up at Peter Pan Park to go to the rope swing by the river. I wish I could give you details about how high the cliff was and how far out the rope swung and how deep the river was, but I'm not that girl. I can tell you this, it was high. It was scary, but I did it anyway. It was so deep that when I launched myself off that cliff and let go of the rope, that I wasn't sure which way was up. I just started swimming and couldn't get to the top, so I stopped swimming and started floating, only I was moving upside-down; backwards! It totally freaked me out until I came to my senses. It was crazy dark that deep in the water...
That's sort of how it it right now. I'm in too deep. It's dark. I'm unsure of myself, even amidst the unfounded security in Christ. I'm floating backwards. But I'm floating. Thank GOD I'm floating. It's what He does; He sets things right when everything's upside-down and backwards.
I was raised in a perfect house by perfect parents with good Christian morals. I was never openly rebellious. I struggled but not with anything too bad. The path of least resistance suited me. It seemed good and well. I didn't have to face demons. I didn't have to struggle to survive. It was a good life. It was a good life. I had a good life. I did.
Except that I did struggle. I did fight. I did rebel. I did battle my parents. It wasn't perfect. I needed more and didn't know how to ask for it. I wanted better and didn't know where to find it. I longed to be seen and heard and felt invisible.
I've found myself in that boat in the past few years, more and more. It's woven into the fabric of who I am. It has to be unraveled. This is the journey.
You creep up on 40 years of living, and you think you've got it all figured out. You're starting to acquire some wisdom. You're getting the hang of things. And then something smacks you in the face, knocks you off the horse, and all of a sudden you're upside-down and backwards. I get the whole mid-life crisis thing. I do. I don't know if that's what this is, but I am more desperate for godly wisdom now than I ever have been before. I need Jesus and His mercy and His goodness and His perfect peace in a way that I never have before. It's real. It's intense. I need Jesus.
When I was 14, my youth group met up at Peter Pan Park to go to the rope swing by the river. I wish I could give you details about how high the cliff was and how far out the rope swung and how deep the river was, but I'm not that girl. I can tell you this, it was high. It was scary, but I did it anyway. It was so deep that when I launched myself off that cliff and let go of the rope, that I wasn't sure which way was up. I just started swimming and couldn't get to the top, so I stopped swimming and started floating, only I was moving upside-down; backwards! It totally freaked me out until I came to my senses. It was crazy dark that deep in the water...
That's sort of how it it right now. I'm in too deep. It's dark. I'm unsure of myself, even amidst the unfounded security in Christ. I'm floating backwards. But I'm floating. Thank GOD I'm floating. It's what He does; He sets things right when everything's upside-down and backwards.
Lvb
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