bsmiles and sunny days

It was a big day inside these walls. An ordination into ministry for a soldier of the kingdom that brought me to tears more than once. Integrity. Cohesion He brings the out best in everyone. Add to that a deep love of God and His Word, the discipline of a rich seminary education and courage. I was moved by the power of his call to ministry and willingness to abandon all for a full-time position in kingdom work. God called me at a young age. I married a Bible college graduate, and we hit the pavement ready to change the world. We worked side-by-side in church ministry until Dale went to seminary and became a chaplain. I led worship in the prison for a year as a volunteer but when that ended, my face fell off the business card. My prayers and support are my sole contribution to our ministry now. It feels like a meager offering. It feels lonely. It remains a calling, and I serve intently.  Jesus was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He often went into a l...

Feeling all of it today, the wash of heaviness. The slow steady drumbeat. The words, so many words spinning and diving in my head. Accusing. Belittling. Beckoning. “Low. Lower. Lower now... come lower and feel. Feel all of it. Sink down into the deep dark places, away from the noise, where alone is safe. Alone understands. Alone is better. Alone requires nothing of you.” I am no stranger to the sweet song of the darkness. It’s a sad melody that draws you in and promises to soothe you as you slowly drown. The songs sounds remarkably similar to the call of the Good Shepherd... “Come away, love, come away with Me to a quiet place...” Here’s where we part ways, me and the depths. He calls me into the light, never into darkness. In the quiet place with Christ, I am not alone, I am with my Lord. There is no isolation. I am His, and He is mine. In Him there is no darkness at all.  Feel it, darlings, but never alone. Turn your face to Jesus. Bring it, all of it, as a...

It looks like I’m tryin’ to flex because I got one really good heart pancake, but trust me when I say there was only one. This day was heavy. It started early and ended late, full of people and conversation and activity. I felt the closeness of my people around me all day. Dreamboat surprised me with flowers early this morning. The sun broke the darkness with a brilliant display of color. My littles did a valentine exchange with friends and siblings. My bigs all showed up and made me laugh.  After the dust settled, I felt the heaviness. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to not be someone’s one and only on Valentine’s Day. I forgot that feels like everyone else is a part of something but you.  If you got hit hard today by your singleness, I hate that this day does that to you. It’s not fair. Dig deep, darling. Go away with Jesus into the lonely place, and He will meet you there. “Turn to me and be gracious to me, For I am lonely and afflicted.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭2...

After all these years and all these kids, sometimes I catch myself looking at these perfect little faces and worry that I’m not enough. Maybe they would have been better off with someone more organized, more diligent, more engaged and less consumed. Maybe they would grow up with richer lives if their mama had more patience to teach them how to tie their shoes, how to form their letters more carefully, how to pick up after themselves more consistently. ⁣ ⁣ Maybe they would gain skills for life if I put them in soccer or basketball and ran them around town to events more intentionally. And not just these two, but all of them. I feel the grandeur of the responsibility and it’s crippling.⁣ ⁣ When I find myself here trudging into the muck of despair, I have to remind my soul of the truth. ⁣ ⁣ God chose me for these little ones, the same way He chose me for Himself. If He is good, and I know He is, then in Christ, I am absolutely, irrefutably enough to be their mom and all that entai...

I used to love this song that the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir sang called “He’s Been Faithful”. I held it as a reminder and a promise, like a banner over my life. As I have walked through decades in the faith, I have found the words, “I will never leave you or forsake you” standing guard over my heart like a looming presence, constant and close.  These days “The Goodness of God” is rolling through my mind on repeat. I no longer need Him to prove who He is to me. I know Him. God is alive, and He is the one that sticks closer than a brother. I’m compelled to sing of the goodness of God. All my life He HAS been faithful. I am the product of God’s redemptive power, adopted into His family. In moments of desperation, I reach for Him, even if I can only grasp the hem of His clothes, and I’m better. Who can explain how sitting alone in a room, I turn my heart toward God and I am satisfied deep down in my soul? Who can deny the riches of His goodness as you look into the face of a lit...

Sin is my malady, my monster,  my foe, my viper, Born in my birth, Alive in my life, Strong in my character, Dominating my faculties, Following me as a shadow, Intermingling with my every thought, My chain that holds me captive in the empire of my soul. THIS is the condition of my flesh. If I, in my spirit, link arms with this body of death and say, “This is who I am.” Then I am not in  the  Spirit, but in the flesh. The mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God. And those who are in the flesh cannot please God. But we do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. There is a war between the Spirit of GOD that dwells in us and this body that houses Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the Spirit is alive because of righteousness. Understand, dear ones. God is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good purpose. If your time, energy, attention, and affection are fixed on ...

People Come together Strangers, neighbours Our blood is one The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but they are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds. Remember, dear ones, one of weapons in our arsenal is THE PEOPLE OF GOD. If the enemy of our souls can turn us against each other, we find ourselves isolated, fighting alone, with less weaponry.  For the mind set in the flesh is DEATH. But the mind set of the spirit is LIFE AND PEACE. Where is your mind set? If your mind is clouded with anything that does not submit itself to righteousness, you are under attack. Fight the good fight, fight for our brotherhood. Fight for the namesake of Jesus! Read your Bible to combat lies, and then reach out for reconciliation to the one that you have been turned against. Take courage Hold on, be strong Remember where your help comes from

We started our marriage in ministry, straight out of Bible college. I was always very involved in the affairs of the church, being a pastor’s wife. Worship. Bible studies. Teaching. Conferences. Events. All of it. After a lot of years, and a lot of hard hits, I pulled the plug on all my commitments and contented myself with being quietly invisible in every church following.  It’s so easy to want to DO ALL THE THINGS, I hear people saying, “I know I should be doing...” but it’s just not true.  It’s easy to do none of the things, too. That’s not the answer either.  Ask God, and then DO WHAT IS YOURS TO DO. Nothing more, nothing less. Let the house you’re building, in the work that you do, be the house that God sets in your heart. For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is God. ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭3:4‬ ‭

Do the next thing. It seems so easy, but it gets dicey. My head is spinning with all the things I need to do, could do, should do, can’t do. Too many things in the que, it’s like my brain is malfunctioning. I’d be concerned if this wasn’t a mountain that I find myself on the precipice of about once a week. Unfortunately it is.  However, when I stop the whirring in the que, the next thing seems pretty obvious.  Make dinner. Start the laundry. Pick up the room. Send the email. It seems to all fall into place as I’m moving forward, you know that old idea about momentum and inertia. Once the ball is rolling, it’s easier to keep it moving.  Is it snowy where you are? Following a whirlwind weekend and beautiful jacket weather, I watched snow pile up all day long. It’s got me wondering if we will ever go outside again.    I miss my walks, terribly, but I’ve found the deep abiding presence of God in the corner of my room where this is my view....

“All of my identity was wrapped up in being a wife and mom. When that all went to hell, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wish I would’ve put the boys in school and signed them up for sports. I wish I would’ve spent more time running them around instead of ‘keeping them safe’ in the house. I wish I would’ve spent more time on the things that mattered, like reading my Bible and praying. Those are the things that matter. Those are the only things that matter. Instead here I am in this mess.” In the summer of 2010, we were members of a home fellowship, which is a church that met in a house instead of a church building. It was so idealistic, exactly what we had been looking for. I struggled to find my place in the circle of women that had been meeting for seven years before we joined. I went to everything, put my name on everything, brought good food to meals, and dressed up for church. I desperately wanted to be seen as one of them. The ladies met for Bible stud...