bsmiles and sunny days

Kennedy acting as an adult At the DMV. Whaaatt?? Lvb

As of today Kennedy officially has her driver's license. I have been dragging my feet on taking her to take the test only for busyness's sake. She finally asked to go enough times to motivate me to take her. It hit me today like a ton of bricks as she sat there in the license bureau answering questions and signing her name and listing her social security number; today marks her passage into adulthood. It's a long hallway out into the real world that she has yet to embark on but... she's taking the first steps. Yipes! What is happening to my life!!! It's slipping out of my hands like sands in the hourglass. First driving then a job then college classes then my girl goes out from among us to begin a life separate from the herd. ...sniff... ...sniff... WAAAAHHHH!!! I'm not ready! And yet, time keeps marching on. I'm past denial, almost past it. I can accept that I am aging. (Not very well. I had trouble writing th...

   When you marry the dreamiest guy ever you feel like you've hit the jackpot. Seriously. Winner winner chicken dinner right here. Obviously the very best part of being a Sutton is this guy coming home to me every day. What I didn't realize, however, is what a goldmine I walked into when I signed on as a Sutton. It's been more evident this past week than ever before. Dale has talked about making a trip down home for years. Of course I wanted to go, All these folks are kin to me. They have been for 17 years, and yet I barely knew them. I just never realized how readily they would embrace me and mine as their own. And this is what Suttons do.  I feel like I have missed out for years, always nursing a baby or staying home with little ones. I can't fail to mention the Welkers here, I adore them too.  This whole bunch... they are some of the most generous, selfless people I've ever known....

I feel displaced in my grief because I am the in-law. I have never lost anyone like this. All four of my grandparents have gone on, but they were well into their golden years when they died. Lonnie was just a few months into his official retirement according to the Social Security office. It's different. I am still sad. I broke down in the parking lot of Price Chopper yesterday. When I got home the kids asked me what was wrong. My sister asked me what was wrong. When I told them I was sad they asked why. It's because I have been in this family for almost as many years as I wasn't in this family. He wasn't only Dale's dad anymore. He was kin to me. There were times when I needed help, and I couldn't reach Dale so I called Lonnie. He had taken me in and filled the role as the patriarch of the family. ... tears... I loved that guy. Even more the past few years as he has become more transparent, I have been able to see where ...

It's Wednesday. It's a new day. I have this crazy resolve to do it all. See everyone. Go everywhere. Forget money, make this day count. I am trusting the Lord to give me wisdom and provision so that in this life I will be His hands and feet, His hugs, His voice, His presence in mine. Take this life and let it be Consecrated Lord to Thee... Oh to be His hand extended Reaching out to the oppressed... I want to live as if this is the only day of my life. Making the most of every single moment so that it counts. Oh Lord, please keep me near this reality, this urgency that YOU are the author of life. That YOU are the giver of every good and perfect gift. That YOU are able to do abundantly more... That the more I give away in every way, the more I look like You. Precious moments... lvb

I have this idea that this is the dress rehearsal. It's this sense that eventually I will arrive at the place where I am grown. I will someday arrive at the place emotionally, physically, spiritually, where I am established. And then my real life will begin. But it's just not the case. What you do in this life is your real life. The way you spend this day is your real life. What you are, who you are right now, is who you really are in real life. I have finally arrived at the actual performance. Only, I've been here all along. I keep thinking about my father-in-law, Lonnie. He was doing the real deal all along. It was his real life start to finish. He was doing it the best he knew how, and his legacy spoke volumes as to how well he did it. He was this quiet presence in our lives. His wisdom was never solicited, but carefully given in small doses. He didn't make a spectacle of himself, but he had an inside joke with everyone in th...

I woke up this morning Fully realizing that He is gone. There is nothing I can Think Or say Or pray That will undo that. Now we have to Navigate through another day Without him. Like learning how to walk On new legs. Pray for my strength To come only from the Him. Mine is faulty. May the comfort of our Lord Come to those around me Through these two arms And these two ears And this trickle of tears. Lvb

We lost him. It was yesterday. We had him. He was ours. And then he wasn't. He was just gone In an instant. Not here. Just gone. I want to talk About him About how I feel About how we'll never play cards again. About how we can't do Anything Again because He won't be there. Everything is cancelled. Because we lost him. And theres no way to do it without him. At the end of this day I wanted to say "We made it through the first day Without him." But it was too painful. It seemed cruel To say "Without him" Out loud. I keep imaging him Walking into the house Like everything is normal. Torture in mind. Over And over. I know he's gone, Dale saw him. But I keep dangling the possibility That he's not Really gone In front of reality. We lost him in the worst way. Unexpectedly. But there is something comforting In the sadness. Staying here Tucked away from where Life goes on Means that We are still within...

SOMETHING I HAVE LEARNED: Sometimes you have to make food that no one likes. I cook something almost everyday. The more people we have in the house the greater the likelihood is that someone will not like what I've made. It makes me not want to cook. Ever. For instance, tonight we are having taco soup. I have leftover meat from taco night earlier this week. For whatever reason I had tons of meat left. Pork and ground beef. Like three pounds' worth! The thought of tossing it about made me sick. Do you know how much THREE POUNDS OF MEAT cost? costs? ...costed? (hahhaahaha) TOO MUCH TO THROW AWAY! So I put it in the crock pot with some corn and leftover black beans and a can of Rotel and a can of chili beans. A little seasoning and cook on high 2 hours. Dale probably won't like it. The little ones won't eat it. I, for one, am excited about it. Here's why... A.  We have cheese dip I am going to add to mine. B.  We have sour cream. ...

Today my oldest daughter is 16. In the hospital, 16 years ago I was waiting for the delivery of a precious miracle in my life. We lived in Emporia in that little house in the country. Dale worked at Blockbuster and the Farm. I worked at Heritage Bookstore. Our hearts were broken from a tragic ministry situation. Our marriage was explosive. We were weak and poor in every possible way until Kennedy was gifted to us. Even the thought of her little life snapped us out of our self-destructive pity party. She gave us hope that the God of the Universe held our hearts regardless of the messes we had made, and placed in our hands a precious gem to tend and care for in this life. He gave us light and hope and peace. Now 16 years later, we are living the dream. Our sweet girl is becoming a lovely godly woman before our eyes. It's the stamp of a loving Father tending his sheep with tender loving care. Does it get any better than this? Thank you, Lord. Th...

When I told Dale that I was moving Moses out of our closet, he said we needed to resituate the bedroom situation so that four kids wouldn't be sharing one room. So I had this great idea! Girls in the basement. Boys on the second level. TV to the main floor. All was well and fine, kids loved it, it was gads of work. Tons of work. Hard hard work. But they were excited and we knocked it all out before Dale got home. One thing I didn't manage to situate was a place for him to study. Hrmph. And I hated the living room piled up with furniture to make room for the TV. And some of the movers were unhappy with their new lack of space. And so I decided we would try again, using Dale's original plan to move us to the basement. Which we did. On Tuesday. After work. After co-op. We called Kennedy's friend Daniel, a viral teenage boy with brute strength to add to our own pool of resource strength. We managed to get it all resituated by the t...

Hello. It's crazy here. We are so busy. We had a wild weekend with 13 kids. Love it. So fun. I will post px but before that we are moving all the girls to the basement. The boys will each have their own room. So boom. Busyness compounded. But worth it. A small sacrifice for my sweet children to find some... privacy. ish. Privacy-ish. The girls are moving to the basement altogether. But they are psyched about it. Woohoo! Let the good times roll. I wish I had that I Dream of Genie power where you can wiggle your nose and it's all done! hrmph. lvb

I plugged my ears With earplugs So I could read while the tv is on. I'm not sure how Mr.PhD studies in front of it. His stuff is exponentially more difficult than mine! So I have just arrived at the second part of Shepherding a Child's Heart. Please, please, please! If you have children anywhere near Your sphere of influence, Promise me you will read this book! If your chief end in life is to glorify God And to enjoy Him forever, Read this book! I am sick about not having finished it sooner. I feel hopeful for my children again! It is changing me as a parent. My whole perspective is new! Praise God for His mercy toward us! Read it. Read it now. Lvb

Don't lose heart. I AM HERE! I don't have pictures... ...except this one! I just took this one, just for you. After a crazy coop I feel depleted. I don't wanna work I just wanna bang on these drums all day. I'll tell you what happened today. I went to coop and felt happy. Excited even. I love teaching. Then I saw my friend. I have this one friend at coop that I see outside of coop. I look so forward to seeing her. She has a new friend. Her new friend is at coop. They live close to each other. Is this a blast from jr high or what? I feel stupid writing this. But you're honest with me. I am honest with you. They were making plans to see each other throughout the week. I feel unfriended. Dale and I tell each other that we are all we need. After church Sunday and now the unfriending I feel isolated. If you lived here we would party. We'd live close and make plans for the week. And then we'd party together with all our kids...

A few weeks ago, my sister and I drove to Indiana to visit my brother and sister-in-law. Jon and Cara. It was 10 hours one way. It was AWESOME. We had fun. Loads of fun! I want to go back. I love them so, so much. There's nothing like walking into someone else's house for the first time and feeling TOTALLY AT HOME. It takes a special family to take in 11 people for a long weekend and make them feel totally at home. Love it. Love them! Then Dale took my big kids on the Katy Trail for a 50-mile, 2-day trek. They left on Monday, returned on Wednesday. That left me with one helper and three pre-schoolers. Busyness. Oh my heck. I didn't stop moving. Day and night I just kept going until I passed out from exhaustion. I loved it. I got so much done. Cleaned rooms, sorted clothes, rearranged stuff, unloaded trash bag after trash bag. I feel better. Much, much better. It gave me this serious momentum that I have needed for SO LONG. I am...

This morning I got up early to make muffins for the munchkins. When I couldn't find my muffin tins, I started emptying cabinets. In the meantime, Moses woke up and needed a bottle. I couldn't find one of those either. That led me to emptying the utinsil drawers in the kitchen. I don't put bottles away in the drawers, but 90% of the time I don't put any dishes away. :) I buy minute muffins. Tear open package, pour in milk, stir, and bake. One minute prep. Only today, the minute muffins turned into a total kitchen clean-out. Ugh. And yay! Kitchen cabinets are no longer  emptying their contents every time the doors are opened! So here's the great news: I found stuff!! I have this...idiosyncracy. I lose stuff. Every single day I lose stuff. It drives me absolutely CRAZY! It has left me with this deep-seated fear that things disappear. You can imagine my surprise when I found stuff in cabinets and under drawers. My stuff wasn't gone, it was just ...

There' s a Florence and the Machines song that I can hear banging in my head. I don't know most of the words, but there is one phrase that repeats. "I think I'm breaking down again..." I don't know why she's breaking down, or why I feel so connected to the song right now, but I do. I am tired and busy. Didn't finish my list today, even though I worked so hard to get through it! There's a new Toby Keith song that I love too. Drinks After Work. Just drinks after work... I don't drink after work. I don't work with anyone but Kennedy. Kennedy can't get drinks after work. But every time I hear it, I want to dance around and get drinks after work! It's weird, I know. It just proves that my affinity for these songs has no direct correlation to my immediate circumstances. I just like em. All that to say, I don't think I'm breaking down again. I am fatter, though! Too much partying. Not enough disciple. Happy wee...

Due to technical difficulties, I am a few days late on this post. We had fun, fun fun! The Birthday Fairy sprinkled Birthday joy all over the house In the way of streamers, balloons, And birthday banners. The morning started with Breakfast in bed: 2 donuts from Price Chopper. Next she opened presents: Weather radio. Beauty and the Beast DVD. Cash. Next: Lunch at Cici's with Mawmaw, Grandma Welker, and Aunt April. Followed by a thrilling adventure at Build-A-Bear. We capped off a great day with a birthday movie date after bedtime. Happy Birthday, Lol! We love you!!

Leila asked for money or gift cards to Justice for her birthday. I have never looked at anything at Justice because it is expensive and flashy and ridiculous. It was a courtesy stop if we went into Justice on a shopping trip with me watching the door the whole time waiting for the timer to beep.  I wasn't excited about going there until I heard that there was a Flash Sale. 40% off Plus 20% off everything in the store. Leila was in heaven.  She had $60 in her pocket and the whole store ahead of her. The fancy little cashier was sooo sweet. She called her by name, picked out outfits for her to try on, wrote her name on her dressing room, and wrote, "Happy Birthday, Leila!" on her dressing room mirror. Every new outfit she put on she wanted to show to Ryan. Or Ronnie. I couldn't quite figure out her name... She was ecstatic to help us out. She even told Leila that she could tell she was a Justice girl! That kind...

It's September 1st. This is officially opening day of our holiday season. I had a bad day last week, then I remembered that September 1st was just around the corner. The thought of it brought me so much joy that everything else just went into the shadows of this happy scene! This is Charlie Brown.  He's a serious contributor to the kick-off of the holiday season around here. Today we did lots of traditional celebratory things. One of them was watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown is my favorite. I love all of his movies. I've always cheered for the underdog. Maybe that's why I love him. Or maybe watching him makes me feel like a kid again. Do you ever really grow up, or do you just act grown up when you have to? I think about that a lot. I don't feel much different.  I tell my kids that being brave isn't no being afraid, it's about being courageous even when you're scared. I wonder if the whole grown-up thing...

Today I am hoping to clean some stuff. Kids are busy, I should be busy. I have this running list in my head of things that need to get done. I obsess over you, as you can see by the frequency with which I mention it. I keep telling myself that it will wait. It can wait. The things that matter need to be done. Everything else can wait if it needs to. I need to STOP collaborate and listen. Profound words from Vanilla Ice. Good advice. I need to be sure to hang out with my kids when the opportunity presents itself. Kennedy is going to grow up and leave. They all are. And everything will change. It will never be like this again. I am almost willing to put money on the fact that I will: still be disorganized, still have issues with money, and still have work that is getting pushed to tomorrow. But I won't have all my chicks under my wing. So I need to hang on to every moment that I can get my hands around! I need to worry less and live more. ...

Dale is off work on Thursdays. It's his only full day off now that he's in school. I worried that it would make for a busy week. Yes. I was right. That's true. It makes for a very busy week. However, we are determined to make Thursdays count! Last night, our Friday night, or Saturday night, however you look at it, we were up into the weeee hours of morning studying and doing work for coop. This morning we slept in until 8... We picked Max up from the vet and then started school. Only, instead of sitting at the table, today we sat in the living room with Dale doing our various assignments. We ate delicious tuna melts for lunch. Right now we are all snuggled down in the basement watching 42. I promised to come down and watch it. I had to restrain myself from doing this and that upstairs before coming down. I kept starting to do things and making myself walk away. The house is messy. The laundry is clean in baskets. The bed isn't ...

I really love the idea of homeschooling... With these two it's easy. So easy. Sometimes I have days like today and it seems like it is just too hard.  Some kids are behind, some are sneaking around saying they have completed work that they've never laid eyes on, some are just crabby and irritable and un-teachable. It's hard. I get overwhelmed pretty quickly. I am not sure how to get out of the funk. I am thinking, maybe it's time for a little break!   lvb  

There is this crazy war going on in my head. I can't seem to find a balance. I have been trying to read Shepherding a Child's Heart for a long time.  I will start it, put it down, and then come back to it in a couple of months. It's so good... and I really need the help!  It is so directional! But I can't seem through it. I am back to it now and making good headway. It brings me to a difficult crossroad. I have managed my children's behavior in a certain way for a long time. This book calls for a total change of direction in regards to the purpose and position from which I parent. I want the results that it promises, which is that your sole intention is to glorify God in your parenting. The fruit may or may not come, which is good behavior and godly children, but you aren't parenting from the expectation that your work will be enough to control your children and ensure their salvation. I haven't gotten to the end where the...

When we first attended co-op three years ago I dreaded it. Every week I wanted to call in sick. I actually did more often than was truly necessary. Last year I was determined to drop out. But Dale encouraged me to stay with it. The kids needed the outlet. They needed to be around other kids. We couldn't keep them cooped up in this house all the time. Funny. I was cooping them. He wanted to be at coop. (co-op) Hahahaha. This year I have been waiting with eager anticipation for the first day of co-op. It turns out, when I have a classroom of attentive little faces and some helper teachers, I really enjoy teaching! This year I am teaching two classes: art for 3-year-olds, and art for 4 and 5-year-olds. You may think I'm cuckoo for requesting these classes, but I love it! So I planned all of these wonderful hands-on, fully-engaging activities for my classes and wouldn't you know, we ran out of time before we got through half my list. Thi...

What I need to do > what I want to do. What I am going to do tonight < What needs to be done. I am tired. I have a migraine. I didn't grade Friday. ... In light of taking one day at a time And not borrowing tomorrow's troubles, I may just sit here on the couch And watch TV And fall asleep before I go to bed. ...zzz... Lvb

  It makes me so happy to have a houseful of people that I love. This kind of thing is happening more and more often. It can bring a load to my already full plate, but I do love it so! It's worth every minute. I really did just take the day a minute at a time. It helped my intensity immensely. I tend to overreact,  seriously overreact, when I am getting ready for company. It's stupid and hurtful to my children who are working like army ants  to help me get ready.  This time I did what mattered first. Read my Bible. Ran on the treadmill. Went to da sto'. Showered. Got dressed. Did my hair and make-up. Got the little ones ready. After that I got busy, kind of. I had planned to make two salads, cupcakes, shark sugar cookies, tea, Kool-Aid, a piece of blackened fish, and salsa. What I ended up making was tea, and two salads. Dana brought the cupcakes, so that went off my list. Leila made ...