Oh my heart

-
Oh my heart, what a shifty beast you are..
,
While my heart is sick and aches to be consoled, I am guided by wisdom, carefully and delicately guided, around what I long for. What I ache for.

Wisdom cries out and my heart curses her.
Wisdom speaks and my heart recoils.
Why?? WHY??? Why can the two not be reconciled?

My heart and my flesh may fail, this I can guarantee. They have failed me over and over and over again.

I find myself sinking into despair and wisdom calls from the wind "REACH OUT! DON'T SINK! GET OUT! CALL SOMEONE!" But my heart, deceitful above all things, lures me in.

"come... sit. stay. be comforted. embrace dark sadness. drink deep of despair..." It's desirable to me. I want to go into the warm muddy swamp and let myself sink low, but wisdom reaches out.

"STOP! You don't belong there, love! You are a treasure, you are royalty! Come away! Seek your True Love and find rest!"

I'm conflicted. There is a war in my soul, and yet the Lord in His kindness, speaks. People come out of the woodwork to speak life to me and I hear the voice of God. He speaks and I'm awakened to love. In Him there is no fear. No confusion. No hopelessness. I do not belong in the swamp of despair, He is my safe place. He collects all my tears in bottles in His treasury because they matter to Him, every single one.

I am His and He is mine. This is where I belong.

lvb

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

quicksand

-
Image
  I had my first hand-held video game when I was in grade school. It had two buttons, L and R, that were used to dodge cars and debris in the road. I was insanely jealous when my brother was given a watch that he could play Pac-Man on. I love video games. I love them too much. When Dale and I were first married I used to sit at the computer and play Burger Shop for hours and hours. As a young mom I spent all my free moments playing Solitaire on the desktop. In my darkest depression I played Diner Dash while the days and weeks passed unnoticed. I can remember feeling the shame of wasting so much time staring at a screen. My hand would cramp up from holding the mouse, and instead of taking that as a cue to stop, I’d shake my hand out and keep clicking away. My vices, while they may seem harmless, entrap me nonetheless. Sugar and video games work like quicksand. I dip my toes in and before I know it I’m sick to my stomach and I can’t move my hand. Pornography is an easy dodge. Overind...
Read more

pruning

-
Image
  This may come as a shock to some people, but I’m extremely maternal. The impulse to nurture shows up in the weirdest ways. I sweet-talk my sourdough. I pray over my plants and tell them they are beautiful. I have been doting on my little garden every chance I get. It’s brings me an unreasonable amount of happiness to go out in the cool of the day and watch the sprinkler sway, dousing each little plant with refreshment.  With that in mind, you can see how it would pain me to pluck these beautiful buds off as they are beginning their formation. These are my strawberry plants. They need to spend their energy building a strong root system, rather than blooming and growing strawberries, at least not this year. It’s for their own good, but it still hurts me a little when they are trying so hard. Don’t worry, little darlings... Next year you will bring a bountiful harvest the likes of which you cannot even begin to imagine! “...every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it...
Read more

the doing

-
Image
As I transition over to blogging more regularly, I don’t really know if I’ll get off of Facebook completely or not. I just can’t see that far ahead. Trying to keep my sights on what’s “in the headlights”.  I am so grateful for you, my dearest reader, coming along with me here to the blog. It’s like leaving the coffee shop to come sit in my living room. I’ve always felt more at home here.I really want to be able to respond when you engage in the comments. I understand the hassle of having to sign in, but I don’t know who is saying what. It would be great if you could leave your first name under your comment, it would help me to cross the bridge to you. That way I’ll know who’s sitting on the couch with me. ❤️ This weekend is looking like it’s gonna be dreamy and cold. I plan on drinking hot chocolate and starting a puzzle in between the running and doing. Maybe it will ease some of this anxiety that’s burning in my chest.  Lvb
Read more