Wonder

I find myself not writing because what I have to say is maybe not worth reading. Or maybe I'm afraid you won't find it interesting. I write with you in mind and find myself not posting because most of my readership has talked or tested me recently about the very thing I am posting. Then this morning I had this thought. I find myself not reading my Bible somedays because its not enough. Either I don't have time or the attention span to finish a chapter and so I read nothing. It occurred to me that a little is certainly better than nothing! And the same principle applies here. I need to write, for me! It's a lifeline that I deny myself on account of my concern for your interest. Time for a new chapter!

One of my biggest pet peeves on Facebook, my social life, is when people list all their accomplishments in a day. But then I sit down to write an email or text or even a post on Facebook, and I am doing the same thing. It's so bizarre! What is it about that? Am I trying to impress you? Am I looking for validation? I don't really know. I want someone to care how many times I got up in the night with a sick baby. I want someone to notice that I got up early to bake break for breakfast and that I have dinner in the crockpot so that later I can sit and talk to Dale when he gets home. I want someone to say, "Hey, you are makings your own chicken stock? That's so economical and convenient!" But instead I strive in vain for that very thing by overmentioning it and the people I talk to get used to hearing me say it.

I have this great son that wakes up with a life threatening ailment every morning. I never pay attention because it's always the worst thing that's ever happened. I'll never know when he's really hurting. Same deal with me. Every day is so full of my accomplishments that no one really notices. So maybe that's what I want. I just want someone to notice that my life is a minute by minute race to help and do and prepare and clean up and organize and wipe and hold... That's why ungrateful responses send me into a tirade. I know your life is the same way. Maybe you handle it with more grace than I do.

Having said all of that, I will say this. There is nothing else in this world that I would rather do than to be the matriarch of this house to this guy and these kids. I dreamed about it til the day I joined ranks with Dale Sutton and started this journey. I am grateful, and I really do love it.

Lvb