bsmiles and sunny days

I love my house... when it’s clean. If I am gone for any amount of time and come home to disaster area, I lose my mind. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I feel closed in. It is as if the clutter in noise, that creepy monkey banging cymbals together. I can’t stand it.  As soon as I’m out of bed each morning, I make my bed. Pick up shoes. Hang clothing. Take the dirty laundry out. I wouldn’t say I’m a clean freak, but I love order. I more than love it. I want it perfect. Perfection is the goal.  We were made for perfection. Way back in the Garden, we were perfect. We drank from that beautiful well. But when Adam sinned, he was shut out of the garden of perfection, and vicariously, so were we.  God has set that love of perfection in our hearts, but we cannot achieve it without Him. Even if we work really hard and strive for it, we can’t even come close. But we have access to the source of perfection. He can satisfy that need. He closes the gap between our brokenness and wholeness.  Turn to

This morning I went through the Panera drive through to get an iced coffee. When I got to the window, the guy handed me a hot coffee. Normally I would assume it was a misunderstanding, politely take it and drive away. I don’t like to make a fuss. But this time, I told him I had ordered my coffee iced and asked if he could change it out. When he turned around to put the hot coffee on the counter, he realized that my iced coffee was there waiting.  I don’t like it when people make a big deal about arbitrary things, and I never want to be a burden. It’s hard for me to be honest because it emotionally costs me something if someone is put off by me. I always think I will age out of it, but it’s still a struggle. There’s a line in one of Andrew Peterson’s songs that says, “Do the best you can to say the words.” That line ticks through the ticker in my brain on a daily basis. I’m still trying to say the words.  This seems so petty, because it’s just coffee, but today I said the words instead

I was very young when we lost a pastor that we loved and found a new shepherd for the flock. The new guy was totally opposite from the man that left. One was tall and the other small. One had a resonant, booming voice and a regal presence. The other was reserved in the pulpit and more approachable in person. It was a serious adjustment, and I wasn’t ready to let go of the old and embrace the new.   Pastor Knight proved to be patient, kind, quick to listen and offer a word of encouragement in any situation. He showed up for dinner when he was invited. He showed up at the hospital when someone was sick.  When I was a teenager, I shared my longing to write a book, and he gave me some good advice and wished me well. When I told him I felt a calling into ministry, he took me on a few hospital calls, spent time sharing some of the hard parts of the job, and told me that when God calls, He also equips. When I found the love of my life, he counseled us over a meal at the Mexican restaurant, an

We went for a walk yesterday at the walking park just outside of town. The trail we took was mostly shaded and relatively level. I was absolutely in fall heaven under the trees as we walked. The birds were singing, the wind was gently passing through us. The boys had their scooters and Scarlette had her hoverboard.  We walked about a mile when we came to a little bridge over the creek that runs through. I reminded the boys to keep a lookout because we saw a cottonmouth snake the last time we were there. Just about the time I said that and was passing over the bridge, Clinton spotted a snake coiled up on the rocks. It startled a little with us all gathered around looking at it, and it slithered down the rock to the water. I assured myself that snakes do not attack unless they are cornered or injured.  On the way back, the snake was positioned in the same spot, but it was turned toward the road this time, in strike position. We kept our distance and there was no incident, but I was rattl

  This advice from Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s mother gripped me. GINSBURG: She said two things. Be a lady, be independent.  Be a lady meant don’t give way to emotions that zap your energy, like anger. Take a deep breath and speak calmly. I am 44 years old. I have wrestled with the weakness of “giving way to emotions” all my life. I have learned the value of not giving a rash response to a heated    situation, but I have not always been quick to practice that lesson. I have learned to absorb metaphorical hard hits, but the stream of hostility that comes from my mouth when I recount the story is quite another issue altogether.  “Take a deep breath and speak calmly.” What an incredible bit of wisdom to pass down from generation to generation. We are so fueled by emotions that zap our energy that we’ve lost the awareness of saving our energy for productivity. Can you imagine, if the women in our country would take these words to heart what a different environment it would create for future gene

On Saturday we laid my sweet Uncle Bubba to rest. He was cremated and sealed in an urn until the time came to put him in the ground. After an intimate service full of good memories that made us laugh and cry, we all drove out to the cemetery for the graveside.   There was quiet conversation as we congregated around a square hole in the ground waiting for the burial. The wind was cool and the sun was tucked politely behind an overcast sky. It was perfect.  The metal box that would encase the urn was delivered to the plot, and shortly after, the urn was placed carefully into the box. A hush fell over everyone as my cousin Billy placed the lid over Bubba’s ashes and tightened it down with screws. He struggled with the precarious task of placing the box into the deep hole, but he was gracious and diligent, and managed to place it gently on the ground at the bottom of the hole.  My Uncle Jeff was holding a shovel and moved toward a mound of loose dirt when a sweet little voice called out, “

  Yesterday morning I flew out of bed in a hurry and raced through the day, flitting from here to there, getting things done before leaving town for the funeral. When we arrived, I was surrounded by people in my family that I haven’t seen in years. I wanted to hug everyone and kiss all the babies and hear everything and not miss out on anything, but I was moving too fast and couldn’t slow down. While I was snapping a selfie with my long-lost cousin, I noticed that my face was flushed. I was laughing too loudly. Smiling too intensely. Talking endlessly in a fevered pitch that climbed higher and higher. I couldn’t slow down and just enjoy being with my people and catching up on their stories.  I’m always doing. Even in the car when I’m driving, I am making lists, writing memos, practicing speeches. I have lost the ability to be at rest. I don’t know what to do about it. It feels like a sickness. Always working, never accomplishing. I secretly believe that it is one of my strengths to be

One of the best kept secrets of survival in a big family, is... are you ready for this?  Earplugs. We moved from a 1700 sq ft rental in Missouri with 4, then 5 kids, to 1500 sq ft duplex in California with 5, then 6 kids. We also spent a lot of time in the car. With all those people in such tight quarters, if everyone was talking at the same time, the noise put me over the edge. Earplugs saved me. While Dale was working on his first Masters degree, I worked nights to help bring home the bacon. Obviously, with 5 kids, I had to find a way to sleep. I blacked out my bedroom windows, ran and fan, and put in earplugs. As soon as they were fully expanded, I was out like a light.  I usually only slept 4-5 hours before my sitter went home, so naturally I was more irritable than usual on those days. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that if I put earplugs in, the happy noises of a house full of children were way less overwhelming. I wasn’t mad at the kids for being kids, I was just maxed

A few weeks ago I was walking into church at the same time as another family. The woman walked next to me and said, “Oh good! We can walk in with you.” I asked if it was her first time and started to introduce myself. The circumstances of in-person church are more extensive than just the perimeters of coronavirus, and it makes visiting our church a little intimidating. All of which I wanted to converse about with this woman, but I had too many things in my arms and I dropped my pristine paper mask on the ground. When I bent to retrieve it, I spilled my coffee. It went all over my hands and my phone and onto my Bible. I stopped talking and set my belongings on a nearby trash can. She offered to help, this very classy, put-together lady with a clean, probably sterile, mask. I politely declined, and they went in to church without me. I knew I should have felt embarrassed about my clumsiness, the mess, and the fact that I fully intended to cover my face with the mask I retrieved from the c

Last night Mose woke up to go to the bathroom. We were in a hotel and he asked Dale if he had any extra blankets. He only had his little blankey that he has slept with since he was tiny, but it wasn’t enough to keep him warm. I told him to pull his blanket and sheet back on the bed and get under that. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. He had no idea that the answer he was searching for was right within his reach, but he had to ask to realize it. This is why we pray. God has given us everything we need for life and godliness, but some things can only be ours for the taking when we ask God for them. Last week we were gearing up for a big trip and I was starting to worry about how we were going to pay for part of it. I had resolved to put that much on the credit card, but I really didn’t want to. I asked God for the money with these words. “Lord, please provide the money we need. I don’t know how you will do it, but I know you can.” Two days before we were scheduled t

Leaving town for a few days always gives me new perspective on things that matter and things that don’t. One of the things I realized while we were gone was that when I don’t watch the news, I get a big ol helping of reality. We traveled through six states, and in none of those did I encounter rioting, hysteria, or even hostility. People were courteous and friendly to each other everywhere we went. Before we left home, I felt nervous to go anywhere outside of our little town because I wasn’t sure if I’d be putting myself or my kids at risk of people looking for a fight. That’s just not the reality. There are certainly hotspots in the country where there is violence and heated engagement, but it’s not everywhere. It’s not even most places. The media wants to turn us against each other. Frankly, I’ve had enough of that hyper-sensationalized version of our world.  The other thing is, with me being absent from Facebook and not keeping tabs on the headlines, nothing has changed. Everything

I keep wrestling with my feelings and where I belong in this divided land. The questions were resolved  when God removed my heart of stone and gave me a heart that knew how to feel Him, a heart that knew His voice, a heart that grieved over sin and found a deep fountain of life in Christ.   I heard a woman on a FB video say, “Jesus didn’t come to take sides, He came to take over.”  Yes! I’m part of a kingdom that does not discriminate based on skin color, caste system, or political party. In God’s kingdom there is no shame, no fear, no confusion. Instead there is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control. Against such things there is no law. My prayer is that God in His mercy will draw you to Himself, dear one. There’s no greater joy in life than to know Him. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:17‬ ‭NASB‬‬ https://www.bible.com/bible/100/2co.5.17.nasb

It’s so strange to me that I can walk past something a hundred times and not notice it until the 101st time I pass it. Today on my walk I just happened to notice these beauties drinking in the sunlight without a care in the world. Their petals were outstretched in a delicate display of perfection. By most standards they are just weeds, growing various places without any particular intent. Given the wrong set of circumstances, they would be yanked out by the roots or poisoned to extinction. They’re so delicate. The details are so intricate. They’re captivating when I stop long enough to notice.  Most mornings when I reach for my phone to shut off my alarm, I open my Bible app and read a chapter. I’ve been reading a chapter a day for decades. This morning I was reading out of 1 Corinthians, and the verses grabbed me as if I had never seen them before. How do they do that? I have read these chapters many, many times. And yet, as if for the first time, I take hold in order to secure them i

  My first job as a CNA was in a little town about 40 minutes from where I lived. I was unsure of myself for weeks because it was my first working position in the role.  In my real life, I had four little ones at the ripe old age of 24. Dale and I had just left a position in ministry after several years, and honestly, we were kind of a mess. Our marriage was shaky, we had a brand new baby, and suddenly I found myself working a full-time job, that was brand new to me. We left a church where we were well-loved and had really comfortable with the attention that came with our role. I went from being front and center, to being “the new girl” that no one knew. Or liked. Dale was in the same position, doing a job he didn’t know much about. We were like fish out of water. It was a rough transition. The girls I worked with had been together long enough that they knew each other, knew the job, and had a tight squad. They made it clear that, as much as they needed another body to carry the worklo

  Muse Jonathan Ogden is my new favorite. He’s a recently discovered (by me) songwriter and I absolutely adore his music.  These recent months I’ve been falling into the ditches of wasted time. I’ll get really productive and accomplish things, and then I sit down to take a break and get sucked into the Facebook vortex, which fans the flames of my constantly smoldering anxiety. I lose hours laying in the ditch, watching my life just roll on by. My chest tightens up and my throat feels like it is closing and I have to shut it off. Jonathan Ogden has a series of videos on YouTube called Worship Sessions. It’s just him and a keyboard and a heart of worship. I love them. I get lost in them. I listen over and over and even endure the crummy commercials because I’m not going to  pay  for YouTube.  It really has me thinking... this guy spends hours and hours making music. While I’m lying in the Facebook ditch, he’s creating beautiful music to the praise of God’s glorious grace. And you know wh

  Fixing I can’t explain how I feel when I fix something that’s broken. It’s elation. It’s a song in my heart. I talk about it for days because I can’t quite walk away from the feeling yet. It’s because it saves us money, for one thing. (I have a similar experience when I save money.) But more than that, it’s the joy of taking the brokenness and putting it right.  This week it was an old iPad that needed fixing. It has been dropped more times than I care to know about. I replaced the screen once, but I thought a second attempt was a reach so I put it off for about 6 months. We don’t need it, it’s just an extra device for long trips. However, we have a long trip coming up and I needed one more device to load games and movies on. Even as I was putting the replacement screen in my Amazon cart, I knew it was a long-shot, but I went for it. Tonight I successfully replaced the broken screen. I FIXED IT! I’m elated. I am singing and dancing around the room with a ridiculous smile on my face.

  Last night I went outside to put something in the recycling bin. It was so beautiful outside, I didn’t want to go inside. The air was crisp as the sun was starting to set. I wandered over to the edge of the yard where I had tucked a broken freestanding swing into the wooded side of our fence line. After some dismantling, I tossed a few pieces of wood from the frame into the backyard and sent out the call that we were having a fire.   Clinton has been begging me to go out for a fire several times a week, all summer. I love sitting around the fire pit, but I despise the heat of summer. The combination of heat from the fire and the hot humidity in the air is enough to make me run for the hills. But last night, the first cool night of the new season, was the perfect opportunity for me to answer the call. The kids came out with me and helped me to get the fire going, initially. The little boys tried to roast mini-marshmallows for a little while, but they lost interest quickly and ran to t

  This space I could write 5000 words and never fully articulate how thankful I am for this space. When I sit down in this chair, suddenly I am engaged; spiritually, mentally, and physically. I am open to the Spirit of God. My soul quiets. I fly to my chair in a flurry, and when I settle, my soul finds space to breathe. My life, as it spins and whirls, threatening to consume me, suddenly becomes small and manageable in the presence and magnitude of God. In this space, God birthed a dream in our hearts. Here is where we’ve been mulling over, planning out, and preparing to release our podcast. It seems so small and delicate from where I sit. Just a couple of lifers talking about the road home and cracking each other up along the way.  I’m grateful. I’m grateful for all of it. This space. This dream. This dreamy guy to dream with. I’m grateful for the journey; the ups and downs, the heartbreaks and triumphs. I’m really grateful for Jesus’ faithful hand that has held us all this way. I’m w

  When I was in college, I liked a boy. He was an artist. He gave me a just enough attention to stay interested. One day my friend and I were talking to him and he said, “You guys wanna see something I’ve been working on?”   She didn’t answer, but I said, “I do!” I thought my enthusiasm would be encouraging. He smirked and said, “Eager, beaver...”  I was mortified. Immediately the stenographer in my brain jotted down, “Don’t be so eager.”  My friend scolded him for being insensitive when I walked away. I didn’t have another conversation with that guy until years later when I went to visit my friend. She eventually married him.  It was a cruel, but important moment. I mean, here I am 25 years later still wrestling with that same tendency.  I’ve been in plenty of situations that I regretted my eager reaction: a heated text, a sarcastic comment, casting blame without knowing both sides of the story. However, I can’t think of a time that I regretted waiting to patiently. The antidote to ea

 In the summertime, I occasionally go out and tend the yard. It’s always a jungle by the time the task makes it to the top of the que. Maybe it’s because I only get out there once or twice during the hot months. In the spring, I try to cut it off at the pass. And I do a thorough clean-up in the fall. But honestly, it’s a low priority.  A few weeks ago when I was cleaning up the rose bushes, I was shocked to discover that the leaves on the weeds mimicked the leaves of roses. The weeds that are threatening to choke the very life out of my rose bushes look like they belong right there with the roses. As I was carefully cutting them away, I couldn’t help but think of how true this is in my life. The “weeds” grow up around me. They look almost right. If I let them grow, they start to perpetuate darkness in my usually sunny life. My thoughts begin to fixate on what’s happening in the news, and anxiety becomes a constant in my body. I start filling my time with worthless things, and I start t

This morning I had an early delivery that was about three hours away. I was thrilled to be able to see a very dear friend of mine, even with the short notice. I haven’t seen her for years. She and I have a rich history together and a common passion for Jesus. We couldn’t get the words out fast enough. Hearing her stories of God’s faithfulness and provision built me up like a hundred sermons. I was riveted.    When our time ran out, I practically had to tear myself away. The thing we kept coming back to was that we didn’t realize what we had when we had it. During the season we spent together, we had a tribe that truly did life together. We were friend-rich. It was golden. As I drove away, I was reminded to look around and be thankful for the people in my life. I don’t ever want to take for granted the fact that God has providentially given me people to walk the journey with, in every season of my life. I’m humbled and grateful. “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law o

We have a door knob with a jammed lock. Our garage door is squealing like a banshee. The basement bathroom where I replaced the flooring two weeks ago, still has an old toilet that needs to be disposed of and tools all over the floor. Today I finally bought the grease for the garage door and a new door knob. After an hour of trying to get the lock to work, I determined that the new knob was faulty and put the old knob back on the door.  Next I greased the hinges and wheels on the garage door. I have a curious habit of believing the workers at Lowe’s know what they’re talking about when they tell me how to do something. After spraying everything he suggested, I opened the garage door. It still squealed like a stuck pig. I proceeded to open and close the door several times to pinpoint the trouble spot. It was something completely different than the guy said. At any rate, I greased it up, the squealing stopped, and I felt satisfied to have completed that task. After that I gathered up the