bsmiles and sunny days

Sometimes I think my life is uneventful, unpredictable. I just walked into my kitchen to find a mysterious Wal-Mart bag in the center of the floor. The floor I meticulously mopped yesterday afternoon just minutes before Leila dumped the sugar bowl all over the floor and before Tre knocked his soda off the table onto the floor where it splattered about a three mile radius. SO I was walking through the yard picking up various pieces of trash and I realized there were piles of dog poop everywhere. EVERYWHERE. At first I thought it was just one corner of the yard, but as I ventured from one end to the other, I found it everywhere. It was disgusting. I kept imagining all the frolicking children that play in the yard on Sundays after church and wondered how many of them dragged dog poop into their minivans and suvs. *snicker* I know. It's gross, but I called the poop patrol, which gladly obliged my request to pick up the poop when I offered wal-mart bags and plastic gloves. Am I crazy?

One of the greatest things about life in Nebraska is that we have friends. I have LOVED living in Missouri because we were surrounded by family. My mom and dad were close, my sister lived with us, Dale's mom and dad and sister and nephew were a mile down the road, we had aunts, uncles and cousins and grandparents at every birthday party and holiday, it was amazing. The thing about Fremont is the spontaneity . I LOVE it. People stop by, make play dates, drive by to check on us... we have friends. I still have my sister, who is the only person besides Dale that I am COMPLETELY uninhibited with, and for that I am more than grateful. God knows I need her; and we think each other is the funniest person in the world. But in addition to that, I have people here that I am totally comfortable with. I don't feel pressure when they walk into my house and it's messy. It doesn't matter if I am already in my jammies and slippers or if I am in the middle of a project that involves pi

Starting to feel a little more normal... a lot more normal, adding elements back one at a time, now if I could just get away from that wretched devil food that haunts me and lures me into the lair of gluttony... But in the grand scheme of things, I am feeling the balance starting to come back to middle ground. So many great things in my life, I feel hopeful. I feel more than hopeful, I am excited about life. I am excited about the potential of the things that are happening in my life and I wake up ready to start the day before I have to. I am writing again and that, my friends, is exciting. Something about writing frees me. I can't explain it; I know I've said it before, but writing, like running, gives me the exhileration of flying. Now, I've never flown but I have been on a contraption that simulates flying to a certain degree. (The rip cord, it's a thrill ride at World's of Fun that is like bungee cord jumping, only you don't jump, they strap you in and then

Now blows the wind of change today just as the seasons pass; And in my heart I tremble as the promise comes as last. And yet I know that life is never just or right or true; But I will cling incessantly to Him, He gets me through. He's real and never failing, He's a diamond in the rough; A standard for my vision and the hope in whom I trust. He holds me as I tremble and speaks gently in the night; Surrounds me with His kindness, pours His blessing as I fight. Promises of courage never give much relief; Until I've found my safety in the deep and safe reprieve. It's ever climbing onward, ever looking to the end; Up the mountains, down the valleys, with me journey, faithful friend.

Something about going home spawns growth. I see it most in my children, they always come home from Nana's saying new words or walking or potty trained... This time it's me. My journey there and back has given me a grasp on my world, or rather, a perspective that I have been scrambling to grasp and had yet to find. Sitting at the kitchen table with my parents turned the light on. It is the gravity of going back to the beginning- returning to my roots. I feel like I can see a little more clearly in order to remedy the "treading water forever" feelings. I needed to find my footing on my own. And then I needed to come home because I can no longer find completion apart from Dale. He's my anchor. And then I needed to be with my family here, in the body of Christ. I need to worship with my brothers and sisters and eat with them and laugh with them. That's the air... In Christ I have life, and in that I have family and community and abundance. I have everythi

I was just telling a friend that even my dog is different. I feel like we've been here so long, but it's only been a couple of weeks; it just feels like we're settled. At the same time, we are not. So I'm scoffing at our poor little Scoo and saying he's whiny and clingy... In the meantime I was reading something that I wrote from Smalltown USA six weeks ago, and frankly, I'm not the same. It's strange. I feel like myself, I think I look like myself- except that I'm awake during the day and I *usually* sleep at night. But somehow, I'm not myself. My writing is not the same. My responses are not the same. I am have not become completely acclimated to our new life here. It's understandable. It's so new. But one thing is real. One thing is the same, it's still true. God is here. He is here, and He is very real. I can never escape His watchful eye. His thoughts of me are endless. And that, my friends, is quite reassuring. I have always had thi

Life moves pretty fast sometimes. I keep wondering when I'll wake up and think, "Self, how did I get here?" Letting the days go by... I want to run. It's the lacking element in my day. I want to put on my running shoes and hit the road fast. It's just that the weight of this new burden overwhelms my body and when I sit down my eyes start to close, so I'm hesitant to expend energy on something that, at this point, is trivial. I want to save it all up. The reality is that if I were running, I'd be tapping the surplus tank and I'd have more at the end of the day. Isn't that weird? You sit all day and you're tired. You work out and you add hours to your day... Who knew? Speaking of weird, is it November 8th and 74 degrees outside? We played in the leaves yesterday and it was just amazing. The kids had a ball! It's one of my treasured fall favorites that I thought we'd miss by having the cold creep in before we got to it. Unfo

We have officially been here a week and it feels like it's been a year. One of the great things about true friends is that they don't stop when the miles separate you or the busyness separates you. We were sitting in the living room yesterday with someone I thought I'd never see again. It's been four years since the last time, and all the sudden it felt like it had only been days. God has mended this gap of time that drew us away from here, only to patch us back in. I know we're different, we've grow up... but we're still who we are and that's what I love about life in Christ. He gives You an identity that you're proud to wear. Because under it all, I know that I'm nothing. I have nothing to offer except the ugliness that I was born into this life with. But in Christ there is no end to the well of resources because I draw from Him. It's satisfying and I love it. He is my hope, and my joy, and the reason I sing, and apart from Him t

Oh that my weakness would wither away... to be strengthened by You, to be given to You. Oh that my cowardly shallowness fade, to be striven in You, to be living in You. For my lostness is found when I lose me in You. And my hopelessness mounds when I stray far from You. I'm a fool to be down when my life comes from You. Make me live, make me laugh, make me love, all for You.

This seems a cheerful world, Donatus, when I view it from this fair garden under the shadow of these vines. But if I climbed some great mountain and looked out over the wide lands, you know very well what I would see; brigands on the high road, pirates on the seas, in the amphitheaters men murdered to please the applauding crowds, under all roofs, misery and selfishness. It really is a bad world, Donatus, an incredibly bad world. Yet, in the midst of it, I have found a quiet and holy people. They have discovered a joy which is a thousand times better than any pleasure of this sinful life. They are despised and persecuted, but they care not. They have overcome the world. These people, Donatus, are Christians... and I am one of them. *Gordan MacDonald , Forging a Realworld Faith

Every year we hold our breath for October to come. It's our favorite time of year. We love buying pumpkins and carving them and baking pumpkin bread... I hold out all year to make it even though I could eat it every morning for breakfast, so that it's really special when the first day of fall comes and we step outside to go to the library and it's too cold to go without jackets. I love it. It's the grand entrance of the most wonderful time of the year. This year we anticipated a big move far away to live amongst people that didn't know us and a church that would take months to embrace us if they chose to. But for whatever reason, God in His infinite wisdom led us down a path that seems almost too good to be true. We already have a life there with friends and family and a home and hope for the body of Christ. It's close to home and it's home at the same time. Right now I'm just holding the reigns steady, trying to do what we do everyday until I can start

Ironically, this time of year thousands of caterpillars are climbing up on branches and somehow encapsulating themselves in tiny cocoons where they will stay so that when the time is right they can wiggle through a tiny hole in the bundle and squeeze themselves out into a life of flight and freedom with new wings. Such is our life... We've been preparing and working and pursuing a life that was not meant for us to live right now, only all the work we did is convertible. It's all beneficial to the door that God has opened wide before us. All the studying, weight loss, financial fixing, it all works for this new concept for our lives. I perceive it like the little caterpillar; when he comes to life, his mission is to eat, eat, eat, to prepare for the time he will be imprisoned in that cocoon. Only for him it is not suffering, it's necessity for the task he was created to complete. So here we are, full from the preparations we've been slaving over. In the coming month

Seems like as soon as you have it all figured out, all the balls fall out of your hands and you have to start all over again, picking up one at a time, toss-catch, toss-catch, now the next, toss-toss-catch-toss-catch, toss... and another- toss, now faster so the next one can get in, oops, woah! Here they come, and now I'm screaming at the Trebo for spilling water on the table at lunch. Wait, start again with just one. Put a load of laundry in. Now two, get the dishes cleaned up. Three, bathe the children and load up for the grocery store. Did Kennedy comb her hair? Jas has a bumpy pony tail. That'll work. Don't forget the salad toppins... alright. All going at the same time. House is clean. Dinner is in the oven. The groceries are put away. There are four conversations happening at the same time, all aimed at me and the phone is ringing. I have two hours until I have to be at work... Alright. A week from Thursday I'll call and set the date to switch the u

If I have learned anything this year, it's this: God doesn't owe us anything, and He doesn't do things our way. It's a sweet stiff shot of "Trust me". And I mean to say, a stiff shot; a dose of hard medicine prescribed to initiate total dependency on Christ. All of our marriage we have lived fast and tried to follow God's leading, as far as being where He wanted us to be and doing what we thought He wanted us to do. Contrary to what is advised in Scripture, I tend to trust in what I feel. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Our little adventure has never put me quite so at ease as the move to Missouri. I have always been excited about the next chapter no matter where it was, but when we moved here it was different. It was like we had found a place to land; I was content and at peace with our lives, really for the first time. Every other place was volatile and and unstable more often than not, I knew we had to be here for three years to f

You gotta give a little, take a little, and let your poor heart break a little; That's the story of, that's the glory of love. As long as there's the two of us, we've got the world and all it's charms, and when the world is through with us, we've got each others' arms; You've got to win a little, lose a little, and even have the blues a little; That's the story of, that's the glory of love.

Reason is always a kind of brute force; those who appeal to the head rather than the heart, however pallid and polite, are necessarily men of violence. We speak of 'touching' a man's heart, but we can do nothing to his head but hit it. GK Chesterton

Forty hours of vacation earned in nursing comes out to a week off with time to spare so I scheduled my first week off and made a flying trip back to Nebraska. Sandysendbigpresent moved into a new house a couple of years ago that I've never seen and has had two babies since the last time I saw her, so it was an overdue trip. We spent a chaotic first night in her house with a total of nine children under foot, including three two and under, three preschoolers, and three grade schoolers. At one point she said, "You know how something seems like a good idea when you are making plans for it and then you get into and you think, 'what was I thinking?'" Our usual late night conversation ended early after countless interruptions from children. Needless to say the patriarch of the house slept in the basement. Kennedy has wanted to cut her hair off for at least two years now. Dale promised her she could do it on her 12th (how would you write that out? twelfth?) birthda

Sweet Leila is one. And what would we do without her? This precious little screeching bundle off beautiful innocent naughtiness... She is a ray of sunshine. And not too sure about the open flame on her birthday cake! Jasmine's expression in this picture is enough to root my feet deep in the soil where I stand. I have everything this life can afford any one person. I have this chronic nagging that pulls and tears at my security and confidence as every day the phone doesn't ring. But really, who cares? What is there to be desired beyond these four walls? Is there really such a desperation in me for what the modern world deems security more than what God wills for our lives here, right now? Where is my faith in the Almighty? Why have I transplanted that precious well that was so abundant and full in Christ into my husband and myself and our ability to control things or not control things as is evidenced in our present situation? People say all the time, "It'll work out. J

It's the emotional swing from elation to devastation that wears me out. It's good news, it's no news, it's good news, it's no news. I wish we could just have a crystal ball so that we'd know what to do, which would eliminate faith altogether and then we'd be empty, but full of confidence. The journey... it's all about the journey. Sometimes I think about the days and wish them away to the next stage, then other times I think about the end stages and hope I don't wish away the years because I can attest to the fact that sometimes the golden years are more like the tarnished years. I know it sounds really sad and pessimistic, but I see people that spend every day of the end of their lives locked inside a strange place with no one that knows their secrets or their favorites or their middle name. I just want to cherish the days for what they are *a gift* and not wish them away. I have never gone without. I have never suffered a loss that disfigur

It's Wednesday. It's Wednesday at 4:54pm and there is no noise in my house. There's no TV muttering, there's no stomping, there's no jumping, no one is crying, no one wants a snack or a new diaper. No one needs me right now, at this moment, I'm a free bird. Oh don't get me wrong, there's housework; there's always housework, but no one needs my immediate attention. If this were yesterday, I'd be scrambling to get dinner on the table because I slept a minute past four-thirty and I have to get it on by five to get it cleaned up by six so I can get my shower done and the house picked up and the laundry switched and folded before I grab a diet A&W Root Beer and a bag of cheddar bunnies and run out the door to work. But today is not yesterday. It's today and it's quiet. I will probably do a couple of loads of laundry, make myself half a sandwich and a glass of iced tea for dinner, pick up here and there, *things that Dale will notice so he&

We love to sit on the porch. It's not glamorous, it's not fantastic to anyone else, but if you've heard me talk about it you'd think it was the most covetted place in the world to be. For me it is. We used to go out there at night when it was cool and the kids were in bed because we can talk or not and just be together. Sometimes when Dale gets home from work, he'll go out there to unwind and naturally we all eventually join him. Last night we sat out there for about thirty minutes before the kids went to bed because it was so cold yesterday! I call it Fall Teaser because you know we'll have at least two more scorchers before the heat fizzles out. The kids played hide and seek in the yard with Sarah (she's back!!!) while we talked. When we came back in the house, we had a message. Usually the messages on our machine are from his family, my family or any one who is not currently in the house. So when I heard a stranger's voice, my pulse picked up.

This morning as I walked toward my car after work I caught a glimpse of the sky, and I stopped dead in my tracks. The entire expanse was overcast and gray except for a tiny window of light directly before my gaze. At first I was mezmerized by the gray as it appeared to me the clear blue patch was moving away, but then I realized it was the gray that was moving to make way for the perfect beauty of a crystal blue sky, lined with whisps of fine white clouds. For a minute it sort of took my breath away because all around me it was dark except for this one tiny patch of light. I looked around again to see for certain if there were any other open areas but this was it; it drew me in. I took a deep breath and gazed for another minute before I climbed into my van and headed home. Get it? Well do ya!? Of course you don't because normal people don't look for God in the sky or hear His voice like a whisper in a glimpse of white clouds, but not everyone is as desperate as I am to

We had this really great plan after Dale's first year of school; we were going to start in September of the fall semester of his third year making a valid attempt to create a baby. It never was an effort for us, just nix one step in the process. It seems unfair, but we have gladly accepted each precious blessing in perfect timing. Naturally we were totally freaked when I read two lines on the destiny stick in January, the spring semester of his second year. Our schedules were crazy, we had a complex schedule of sitters lined of for mornings, noons, and nights. I was exhausted working nights and home schooling and staying on top of the housework while Dale worked tirelessly on homework, reading everywhere we went, writing papers into the wee hours of morning, and often working two jobs. *He did all his studying at home engulfed in the chaos of life here because he wanted to spend every free minute near us. He's my hero.* I looked at that crazy thing and laughed. And laughed. A

She's five and I hadn't gotten her final set of shots yet, so I decided to take her in today along with Leila to get her boosters. It was almost more than I could take when I told her. She had no idea that she was also on the shot roster when we left the house. I couldn't stand her being terrified all the way there and then during the course of the wait, so I finally told her when we were within minutes of being called back to the dreaded event. I felt so awful about the whole thing I almost laughed when I told her. I know that sounds terrible, but it was emotional overload. My body almost betrayed me and forced out the laugh. I knew she wouldn't believe me if I gave in to it though, so I just held my ground as my lips quivered. "You're getting a shot today too, honey." She stared in disbelief as the words, like the serum, coursed their way from her ears to her brain to her thoughts. After a few minutes she buried her face in my arm and cried and squeezed

SIS: "Who was she going to see???" ME: "Her boyfriend." AUNTIE: "I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" ME: "Daniel" *snicker* SIS: *glances as AUNTIE and back at ME with a knowing smile and snicker* She's going to be nine in seven weeks. She'll be moving out in eight... Not really. I tend to over exaggerate the drama in my life, it's what I live for. We had this conversation yesterday and it was funny because Kennedy has jumped conversation brackets. The other kids still get giggles and tickles. She's moving past that. We talk about why people behave the way they do when it seems to make such perfect sense for them to do the right thing. We talk about the things girls have to deal with as they grow like why sometimes she has a best friend at church one week and the next her best friend moves when she sits down by her. It's exciting to me that we are already building the conversation in our relationship. I fully anticipated her bein

Take a picture of this!" *enter into conversation: Tre.* He held this pose while my half dead batteries puttered to reload the next frame. Is he not a perfect reflection of his daddy? And then there are times when he reflects more than his wild side. This child has forced us to consider EVERY POSSIBLE FACET of discipline. He has, since he was 18 months old, pushed the limits minute by minute. And yet he is so sweet; it's been his saving grace his whole life. Lucky for me I too have had the gift of grace extended to me. I don't have any goodness in me, not a single ounce. The farther I reach for my Father's character, the farther I drift from being even momentarily within reach. This job as a CNA, the thorn in my flesh, has taught me nothing except that there is no good in me, nothing good. I work really hard to be kind, to be nice, to say the right thing, to be patient, to handle conflict amidst the beatings and curses and crying and frustration; inevitably I fail... a

"Was Jesus ever a kid?" *enter into conversation: Micah* He's a thinker. Never occurred to me to consider Jesus’ humanity. I knew he was a baby, I knew he had to grow up, but I don't remember if I ever really thought about him being a kid like me, when I was a kid. A kid like one of the other kids on the playground or in my class. He's a thinker like his dad. Not his mother. His mother is flighty, a flake, an air head. I'm not pooling the sympathy vote here, I've come to grips with what I am and I can accept it with no shame. But I am not, by nature, a thinker. What I am is inspired. I'm inspired by God. The depths of Him inspire me to think, to consider, to ponder... And so I find myself scouring the pages of my Bible, grasping at trinkets of His character, His nature, His creation, and the things that thrill Him. In turn these things inspire questions like, what is blessing? I mean, we all want to "bless God" and we know He wants to "b

Hi, have you met Dale? Than you know why this picture shocks me everytime I look at, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time. So I'm praying that I'll have at LEAST one writing project done by next spring. With the new home schooling goals, I don't know how practical that is, but without a forty hour commitment to working every week, starting in October, I'll have a little free tiME! WE GOT THE JOB!!! Dale interviewed today. We should have a reporting date in October. Thank you all, with all sincerity, for your prayers for us and the timing on this crazy thing. It has been worth the wait- for this. If we had not been forced to wait the past months, Dale would have gone into the interview totally unprepared, overweight and out of shape. But God... For years we have lived our lives like Mario- when he's invisible and the fast music is playing- invincible. (my first big word as a kid) When we first got married, Dale worked at Blockbuster as a manage

If only I had time to write everyday... I find myself full of thoughts that I would love expound on here, but my minutes at home are so divided, and not carefully enough sometimes, I'm afraid, which leaves little time for me to sit in this chair and hash out the things that confound me. I am amazed in this life at how some things become so precious and others fall effortlessly by the way side. It moves me to think that when we draw near to the Father, He changes us, and not the way we'd like to change, overnight in drastic measure, but as seamlessly as the tide rolling in and out, as gently as the wind sweeping the leaves from the trees; and one day you realize that you aren't the same, you aren't the person you once were, and you breathe a sigh of relief. The shift in values has given me clarity in the things that matter. There was a time when it was really important to me to be known, to have friends, to have a pretty figure, to have long hair... It used to matter

It's Monday, August 7th, my three year anniversary with my job. We have been home for 24 hours from a trip that seemed impossible and somehow happened, and this morning Dale got the call we have been waiting for, as of today, for exactly two months. He has an interview in two weeks, the final interview. I am overcome with joy. We were sitting in a penthouse yesterday that over-looks the lake. We walked in and dropped our jaws and then ran through like children to see everything at once. Everyone was saying, "Look in here!" and "Did you see this?" Three bedrooms, two baths, a deck over the lake *we were on the fourth floor*, an elevator from the parking lot, a huge living room with a fireplace that ignites at the flip of a light switch... a fully stocked kitchen, a loft with a poker table, and I kid you not, a hot tub on the deck. None of the four of us spent a dime to have a it. And not only that, due to circumstances beyond our control, we did not make ou

I'll say yes Lord yes To Your will and to Your way I'll say yes Lord yes I will trust You and obey When Your Spirit speaks to me With my whole heart I'll agree And my answer will be yes Lord yes

For four years we have been out of conventional ministry and serving as lay people in the church on various levels. Sheffield has proven to be a safe landing pad for us in past two years, but our feet starting to shuffle in anticipation of the next step and so we ventured out on a whim to visit a new church just to change things up. I am always curious to see how things run in different churches across the county, it's like being in someone else's house. I am also very critical when I walk into a church as I have learned not to throw the welcome mat to my heart out for every person that needs a place to wipe their feet. I was pleasantly surprised to be warmly greeted by not only those posted at the door, but also people at several stations along the way as we were taken to the childrens corner of the building and carefully instructed as to where they would be and what they would be doing. The music was good, the message was good, the service was good. A guy that met us at

I'm hoping to post something worth reading tomorrow as I have lots of time to study tonight. I just wanted to leave an update on Leila as this week in NUTS and I won't have time to chat mindlessly on the telephone... Yesterday I told the kids they could play in the sprinkler, for the third time this summer. I can be a real drag as a mom. ANYway, I put Leila in her walker on the concrete in the shade and then went to drag out the sprinkler. She was only a few feet from me and started crying and then screaming. I thought she was mad. Turns out the concrete was really hot and she was standing full force on one foot. I picked her up and discovered blisters on her feet!!! I am not in all arenas a terrible mother, but I have my moments. I spent a couple of hours consoling her and then decided to check out the internet for a little self-assurance. Turns out she had a second degree burn, very prone to infection, so I called the doctor who sent me to the ER. They treated her

I posted yesterday in a daze of emotion, and then reread my post and thought, "Eek. None of this makes any sense at all. I'll rewrite it." Unfortunately I have not gotten back to it, no promises... who knows if it's worth publishing. Time will tell. Flwrptls who are you??? I don't mind annonymous comments unless I can't guess who it is. Makes me loco, jyou know? SO today is weigh day, an exciting day in the life of Dale and Becca. I gotta tell you, that guy blows my mind. He is like the incredible shrinking man. I'm all excited about losing one pound a week, he is still dropping 6 to 8 a week! It's completely healthy, the way he's doing it, I wouldn't say it's out of balance at all. We needed such drastic changes in our lifestyle, I can only attribute his success to God's blessing. I love it. I'm so proud of him and he continues to change in spirit and character. The glimpses I see of the old guy he used to be make me

When people say "a day in the life" they are referring to a day at Nana's. My mom is so amazing and so incredible with little children. I have always been a little blown away by the things they can do when they come home from her house. In summers past, two of my kids came home from her house potty trained. When I asked her what she did, she said, "I just put them on the toilet and asked if they wanted some big girl/boy pants." We sent Leila to her this time, who was on a food strike. She has been eating solids off and on for six months, in month six she quit. She'd take two bites and that was it. She came home and inhaled two bowls of macaroni like a two year old! Yeah. It's like that. Naturally, when she asked if she could keep them for a week this summer, I was elated. This year she took the girls first and then the boys. It wasn't a baby sitting week. It was a week for adventure for all of them. Late nights watching movies, bubble baths in the ba

SO... Dale is whittling away to nothing and I am losing gradually. I will tell you this, I am smaller than I was when I got married- only by a few pounds, but smaller none the less. I love it. It is a great feeling to know that the numbers are moving and that if God blesses us with another baby, I can take the weight off- it is not an impossible feat. About six months or more ago, I read an article in prevention magazine. They had done side-by-side evaluations of several of the current trends in diets. It was interesting as I have always been obsessed with/addicted to dieting and physical fitness and reading such articles- not always practicing... SO at the end of the article, they posed the question to a panel of big name national nutritionists, like the FDA guys, "which one is the best?" and one of them said something that stuck with me. He said, "It's all about the math." You eat calories everyday. You burn calories everyday. If the numbers equal each other,

Master of all mastery master me, please master me. Master heart and soul and mind; Find what only you can find. Tame tempestuous the tide of soul and flesh that war inside. Where wrong will battle for the throne, extend Your hand, make me Your own. Master good intentions taught; Surface treasured where truth ought. Plow the stony surface deep; Pluck away my soul to keep. Master, my sweet Master, mine, master me and make me Thine.

There's nothing magical or fantastic about what's happening in our lives right now outside of the obvious... It's waiting. Waiting is happening. It's the everyday-waiting-for-the-phone-to-ring-watching-for-the-mailman- hoping-for-a-sign-from-heaven-no-word-from-anywhere waiting. It makes you question everything; is my heart not right, have I not learned a lesson, is someone close to me waiting for me to share Christ with them, is there something that has to happen in order for the walls of Jericho to fall down, or maybe we just miscounted our steps, did we make a mistake, an error in judgment? I drew out a map of the coming events for the duration of the summer and as I looked at the encroaching weeks, tears filled my eyes. I had not grieved the loss of my expectations until that moment. My need to make the best of things and chronic optimism has forced me into a corner that some people might call reality. What I thought was going to happen, what I expected to happen, w

Since I was a teenager I led worship in youth group, church meetings, the local rally at the park... I thought it was the crown jewel of all church positions to lead worship, thus making me the crown jewel. (I am embarrassed to admit that.) It was like I was something when I was behind the piano with a microphone. I never believed I was the greatest singer or that I had phenomenal gifts for worship, I just thought I had a special anointing, like it was what I was born to do. And then when we moved to Missouri I took on the glamorous position of Certified Nurse's Aide. That means I do everything that a higher paid, more educated person doesn't want to do, the jobs that are beneath them. I used to quake every time someone told me to do something petty because they didn't want to walk up the hall. I would think, "Do you have any idea who I am and what I'm capable of?" and the Holy Spirit would whisper into my heart "This is who you are, are you capable of it

Is this someone's idea of a sick joke, or I am reverting back to puberty? My face is breaking out like I'm 14 going to the dance at the skating rink on Thursday night! YIPES! It's not funny, and it's not nice. So, naturally I got on the internet to research my new complexion, and at 30, it's normal!?!? I'm a pimple-faced freak! On the other hand, in honor of our nation's freedom and the celebration therein, I made a big bucket of frozen ice cream; five ingredients, such natural yummy deliciousness, and a new frozen dessert made with nutter butter cookies and a cream cheese, a little layer of chocolate, whipped cream, and sugar. Yowzah! That thing may not make it to the bar-b-que. I just took a little bite after freezing it all night, and look out girls, it's better than a reeces peanut butter cup blizzard. (which has 500 calories in a small we just discovered...) I used lite cool whip and lite sour cream and it's still fantastic. I ran into a girl I