On losing

If I have learned anything this year, it's this: God doesn't owe us anything, and He doesn't do things our way. It's a sweet stiff shot of "Trust me". And I mean to say, a stiff shot; a dose of hard medicine prescribed to initiate total dependency on Christ. All of our marriage we have lived fast and tried to follow God's leading, as far as being where He wanted us to be and doing what we thought He wanted us to do. Contrary to what is advised in Scripture, I tend to trust in what I feel. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Our little adventure has never put me quite so at ease as the move to Missouri. I have always been excited about the next chapter no matter where it was, but when we moved here it was different. It was like we had found a place to land; I was content and at peace with our lives, really for the first time. Every other place was volatile and and unstable more often than not, I knew we had to be here for three years to finish school and that we were right where He wanted us to be. It was reassuring and safe.

So the thought of moving, while everything seemed to line up, made me nervous. Even with the possibility of financial security, real benefits, a house that fits, and opportunities for advancement and retirement; the possibility of change made me nervous despite the excitement. *It may be that way no matter where we go or when.* With that said, I was still sad when Dale asked me if I wanted the bad news or the really bad news. I still cried most of the day and then fell apart when our car wouldn't start at his parents' house that night. Everything seems so insecure, even though we have never gone hungry- unless it was on purpose- we've never slept in a car- unless we were trying to evade curfew rules in college- and we've never gone naked- in public. So it's not like there is any real instability. God has not broken any promises, more like we have broken ours by being shaken by not getting the job I thought we deserved.

Sometimes you think that you want what He won't let you have even if it's not His will... crazy, I know, but you think you can make it work. You can't. When you do what He wants you to do, you can do impossible things because He can make it work. So now it's just a waiting game; I believe it's one of the greatest virtues of the Christian faith not mentioned in the Word: waiting for His leading and maintaining dignity in the process. Patience doesn't seem to get around what I'm talking about here. Maybe that's what the NKJ means when it lists longsuffering as fruit of the spirit. Sometimes you look like a fool for doing it, but He doesn't care what you look like. So really, why do I care?

I had a friend in college that used to pray "strip away the pride, Lord" so often that it was almost like a mantra. I took it to heart and have repeated that line often for myself. I didn't know He would take me so literally and start with the superficial then take off the next layer and the next and work it down till nothing in me suffered at loss of vanity or status. I'm hardly there, but the work continues. It's a grueling process, but if it gets me to my goal of being "the sweet, sweet face of Jesus" to my husband and children, good times and bad, then by all means, "strip away the pride, Lord."

Honestly, I didn't want to write about it or talk about it or bawl about it because it seemed silly. If God doesn't want us there, I don't want to go, rather, I shouldn't want to go. We've been to Mississippi and frankly, it wasn't on my "Places to Revisit" list. Not even close to the bottom. So if God doesn't want us there, I don't want to pout about it.

It's a good thing, I know it is in my heart... but it's a hard thing to wait. And I don't want to wait anymore. I want to know and go. And then be there for a long time. But there's no guarantee and there's no way to know until it's time, so for now... onward ho. Back at it.