bsmiles and sunny days

I had a dream the other night that there was a wedding ceremony, all the preparations of a ceremony, meals, people, and I was the bride of Christ. I was to meet my Lord face to face for eternity. I woke up in a pool of tears. He was so close I could feel him as smell him and I was almost there, to the end of this race, in the arms of Jesus. At some point in the dream I realized that  it wasn’t real, I was only dreaming. That’s when the sadness set in. I still had to walk down the isle knowing I’d have to wake into the real world without him physically with me. My heart has ached for days since. He was right there, my beautiful Lord, just moments from my grasp. This morning I stumbled upon Stefan’s Gretzinger’s rendition of “Give Me Jesus”. Oh my heart... Give me Jesus, give me Jesus You can have all of this world But give me Jesus Oh my soul... For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Give me Jesus. Lvb

After that concert, I listened to Eric Church songs till I was practically nauseous when that same song would come on. I learned them on the piano... Hometown, Springsteen, Carolina, Like a Wrecking Ball. All of em. Because he has this way of taking you home. I want to go home, but not like, to my hometown home. Although I do think about moving back there because my family has a legacy there, where I was born and raised, and that is becoming sort of a novelty in this day in age where people are so transient. I had to shut him off because-- the nausea, duh. But, I couldn't shut of that feeling, that ache to go home to a country house by a little town where people know you by name and little country town drama runs the place. Where you order pizza from the gas station and you get dressed to go to the library. I decided to write about it, while I look for a fixer-upper out in the sticks. I'm practicing my southern drawl- southern Missouri drawl, that is, because it soothes t

Last night me and this guy went to a huge, like, doorbuster concert last night. I think I read that there were 18,000 people. My kinda people. Country people, pro'ly packin. Drinking beer and singing along. I don't drink beer. I drink Diet Coke, just so you know. (Mom. <3) Eric Church sang these powerful songs that pulled me back from the place I live to the places I've lived. He reminded me that it's good to be vulnerable because it gives you this incredible connection to people. When you share yourself and your story, people feel connected to you. He found something he's really good at, song writing and performing, at a cost of course, but he is living the life he always wanted. I sat there, like I do, playing through the chords in case they called me out of the crowd to cover for the fallen keyboardist, and thinking about what I would write if I became a songwriter. Driving home, Dreamboat and I had a heart-to-heart about who we are and what we

It's overwhelming, this road... I've been rolling along at break-neck speeds. House, school, kids, laundry, all good. Money, marriage, emotions, good. Started writing again, you guys- I'm so excited about this writing project, I can hardly contain myself. I want everyone to read the first few chapters I've already written!! It completely energizes me. Then this morning, a text, a comment, a message on FB, all is not well on the home front. My teenager is in the fringes. You know, like not on the straight and narrow. I thought we were good! I thought said teenager was rolling along, making it happen, getting it right, and then someone points and turns the lights on. It's not all sunny in sunny KC. Sent me reeling, for so many reasons. I'm accepting things like: Parents don't produce behavior, they cultivate an environment with boundaries and consequences for an expected behavior. There is a separation that has to happen between children and parent

It was a meltdown. I know you don't know what I was talking about in my last post... I've been crazy lately. Like psychotic. I told Dreamboat that I was acting like a psychopath, and I was. But guess what?? IT HELPED! It helped to get the advice that I would have given someone else! I felt better. Can I say something here? I did a "test run" on a keto diet. Like, full-on, the breath, the odor, less than 20 carbs a day, and I was golden. I did really well on it, it gave me this sense of control with food that I don't recall having ever before. I lost 10 pounds, my belly started shrinking, and I was on top of the world. NO ONE encouraged me to stay the course, because of course when you eat a weird diet people freak out. NO ONE was freaking out when I was eating bear claws two at a time. No one seemed to mind when they saw me make three trips to the buffet and then drink a caramel white mocha with whipped cream and caramel drizzle... seriously. I could k