bsmiles and sunny days

The birds are chirping merrily in the distance. There is a cool breeze sweeping through the sunroom where is sit in coveted aloneness. A dog barks now, threatening to rob me of my last few quiet moments, but then he stops and only the crickets and the birds remain.  Tears threaten but are blocked from free-falling down my face. I have a lot of doing that must be done today. I can't fall apart. There will be too many questions, too many worries if I'm found crying while I should be doing. Instead I will endure the emotions with dignity and save tears for later, when all is dark and sleepy. Something is scratching in the boarded up fireplace next to me. Birds I can handle, but if there's a squirrel in there I may have a heart attack.  The Lord has been good to me. This is true. I am blessed beyond measure. This is good. My sadness isn't really sadness at all, I've decided, it's unhappiness. I'm not sad. I'm just not happy, which if you know me at all, is c

 I have been afraid to write. Writing is a window to the secret places of my soul. I expose things that otherwise stay tucked away. I'm not sure I want to be that vulnerable and then I think, someone else is equally vulnerable. There are people holding secrets in hidden corners that need to feel a connection to someone. Somehow. Here we are. Connecting in the safety of anonymity. ❤️ I'm really battling depression. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder by a doctor a few months back. 6 months ago, actually. I know that because I strategically dodged the appointment a few weeks ago. At first she recommended that I stay on medicine for 6 months. Then she said a year. I weaned myself off the medicine when I realized I was gaining weight and have never made it back to see her. She's a good doctor, but I'm afraid she will make demands of me that I'm unwilling to commit to, like take medicine for a year that makes me crazier than I am right now.  So I fight it away

We are having the greatest time in Indiana visiting my brother and his kids. I love coming here. He's the most generous host.  It  always inspires me when I visit. This place is immaculate. They have raised the kids to really be aware of their surroundings, to pick up after themselves, to have a place for everything and everything in its place. It's inspiring. I want to be better about teaching this to my kids. My brother and his wife are no longer married. My heart aches for the brokenness in this family. I miss her so much. It really has brought to light wa lot of coulda woulda shouldas. But God in His Sovereignty sees and knows. Only He can bring healing to brokenness of this magnitude.  I'm praying that He will do just that. Heal broken places in this family, whatever that means and however He chooses. I love them all so much.  I know how powerful forgiveness is. It brings God glory in powerful ways in the eyes of so many. It's a testament ofHis  goodness. He is so

I spend so much time thinking about myself, I don't have the energy to look past my own drama to consider the concerns of others. That's why Paul said, "always consider others more important than yourself" because this self-absorption is a bottomless pit. Whether my soaring-to-sinking pattern is a mental illness or not, I can see how my thoughts contribute to my well-being. When u have eyes on the needs of others, I am way less concerned with how I feel about myself and the darkness. I was waiting for a drink at Sonic, watching all these tiny teenaged girls moving from one task to the next through the drive-thru window,and it occurred to me that a very high percentage of women don't like their bodies or physical appearance. Do you? Let's be honest, I don't. I despise how I look right now, 50 pounds overweight. I loathe myself. And yet, I'm looking at these beautiful, youthful, skinny girls, at the height of beauty for their lifetimes, some of them, and