From where I sit

The birds are chirping merrily in the distance. There is a cool breeze sweeping through the sunroom where is sit in coveted aloneness. A dog barks now, threatening to rob me of my last few quiet moments, but then he stops and only the crickets and the birds remain. 

Tears threaten but are blocked from free-falling down my face. I have a lot of doing that must be done today. I can't fall apart. There will be too many questions, too many worries if I'm found crying while I should be doing. Instead I will endure the emotions with dignity and save tears for later, when all is dark and sleepy.

Something is scratching in the boarded up fireplace next to me. Birds I can handle, but if there's a squirrel in there I may have a heart attack. 

The Lord has been good to me. This is true. I am blessed beyond measure. This is good. My sadness isn't really sadness at all, I've decided, it's unhappiness. I'm not sad. I'm just not happy, which if you know me at all, is completely uncharacteristic of me. Why? What is this darkness that shrouds me? I fear knowing the truth about myself. Silly. It's probably hormonal, but still I'm afraid. What if I'm crazy? Like really losing it? What if I fall completely apart? How awful would that be for Dale and the kids? Would they still love me? As it is I'm not much fun to be around and I feel people pulling back. It's uncomfortable to be around me, which is painful, but I get it. It's like someone else is running things.

My struggles with depression... I never thought I'd broadcast them, but I feel so alone in this. Maybe you do too, and that means we aren't alone in it after all. 

Plod on, friend. In this life there will be troubles, but fear not. Jesus has overcome this awfulness and paved the way to our freedom. 

Lvb