Lucid moments

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I spend so much time thinking about myself, I don't have the energy to look past my own drama to consider the concerns of others. That's why Paul said, "always consider others more important than yourself" because this self-absorption is a bottomless pit. Whether my soaring-to-sinking pattern is a mental illness or not, I can see how my thoughts contribute to my well-being. When u have eyes on the needs of others, I am way less concerned with how I feel about myself and the darkness.

I was waiting for a drink at Sonic, watching all these tiny teenaged girls moving from one task to the next through the drive-thru window,and it occurred to me that a very high percentage of women don't like their bodies or physical appearance. Do you? Let's be honest, I don't. I despise how I look right now, 50 pounds overweight. I loathe myself. And yet, I'm looking at these beautiful, youthful, skinny girls, at the height of beauty for their lifetimes, some of them, and they probably feel the same way about themselves. I did at that age! It's such a waste, to go on hating things about ourselves, letting weight, the number on the tag, acne, hair color or thickness, define us. I'll be honest, the scale owns me. It determines how today is gonna go down. I've gone off the rails with this, I probably need to dump it altogether, those numbers have dragged me to bad places in my mind. And for what? Why does it matter so much? Like, SOOO MUCH!! No one at my funeral is going to say, "She never did get back down to what she weighed in high school." Ridiculous, right?

I was looking at a photo of a girl Dale went to high school with. Recently she's lost a lot of weight, and she looks like she feels amazing. I'm happy for her, I'm sure she's excited to go back looking like she did in high school. It will be fun, but why is that so important? I lost a lot of weight once and I was so excited to see my family that I hadn't seen for a long time, at a wedding. My cousin walked up and said, "looks like you lost some weight."

Uh, yeah, I've been running on a treadmill for an hour a day for 6 months, hello, I look amazing! But he didn't say that, he didn't say anything else. It totally deflated me. Would it have been better if he raved about how great I looked? Would that have made it all worth it? I don't know. It all seems so ridiculous from this side. He couldn't care less how big or small I was. So why am I consumed with it now on the other side? 

I'm on a quest to unravel this for myself. It's been a lifelong battle for me, if not physically, then mentally. Someday I want to be ok with who I am, even embrace that girl, big or little, happy or sad, for the glory of God in Christ Jesus. 

Lvb

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