Odd man out
My first job as a CNA was in a little town about 40 minutes from where I lived. I was unsure of myself for weeks because it was my first working position in the role.
In my real life, I had four little ones at the ripe old age of 24. Dale and I had just left a position in ministry after several years, and honestly, we were kind of a mess. Our marriage was shaky, we had a brand new baby, and suddenly I found myself working a full-time job, that was brand new to me. We left a church where we were well-loved and had really comfortable with the attention that came with our role. I went from being front and center, to being “the new girl” that no one knew. Or liked. Dale was in the same position, doing a job he didn’t know much about. We were like fish out of water. It was a rough transition.
The girls I worked with had been together long enough that they knew each other, knew the job, and had a tight squad. They made it clear that, as much as they needed another body to carry the workload, I would not be welcomed in their squad.
I hated going to work. Sometimes I cried on the commute. I messed up a lot, since I was still learning. My first weekend there, a lady called for the bedpan. The nurse told me to take care of it, and I slid it under her backwards. I could hear the girls at the desk talking about how stupid someone must be to make that mistake, but no one said anything directly to me. It was humiliating. I became a slave to the minute-hand on the clock, checking it obsessively. I despised this part of my life, and all I could do was keep showing up. During those days there was very little light in my life.
Eventually I got really good at the job. I worked hard to learn everything, spent time getting to know the people I was taking care of, and I became super efficient at task management. At the same time I was begging God to get me out of there. I didn’t want to be a member of the toxic squad huddled around the nurses station. It wasn’t long before a position opened up on night shift, and I put in for it.
When the day shift nurse found out that I was leaving, she acted hurt. It shocked me. She was one who openly talked badly about me to the other CNAs. I told her that working nights was more compatible with my home life, which it was. After a month of working with me, she didn’t even know I was married or had any children. She never bothered to ask.
During that dark season of my life, I fought hard for my joy. When I was home, I spent hours outside with my kids while they played. I carved out a window of time every single day to seek Jesus. I had gained a lot of weight from four pregnancies so close together, so I made myself get on the treadmill every day while the kids napped. As I laced up my shoes, I’d tell myself, “This is the hardest thing you’ll have to do all day. You can do it.” And then I’d slow-run 4 miles. Every. Day. I don’t know how we all survived the awfulness of that season, except that God gave us just enough of whatever we needed to get through each day until we were out of it.
Even when it’s awful, He is good.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
Psalms 42:11 NIV
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