Hallmarks

Ravi Zacharias was on the radio as we were driving home from a bang-up week at my mom's.  He is amazing.  Amazing.  The way he communicates is nothing short of brilliant.  Unfortunately, my capability to retain anything from his messages, no matter how in awe I am, is limited.

It's one of the hazards of having a large brood of children. 

Short attention span.

Minimal thought retention.

He said, "Humility is the hallmark, the hallmark, of great leadership."

He said something equally profound immediately following that statement, but I can't remember what it was. It was something about the iron in a star being too much for the star to sustain.  It actually burns itself out.  It implodes.  It's the same with men and power.  They cave after the power overtakes them.

It really got me thinking. I pride myself on being focused on my marriage.  I try to keep peace at all costs. It usually works out well, until the cost is my convenience, or my pride, or my own selfish ambition.  That's the thing... humility is not a hallmark in my life. 

This past week I was lavished with compliments about my youthful energy, and my children's good behavior, and my constant smile.  It started to go to my head until the baby had two days of teething, yelling and crying day and night off and on.  By the time I had the car loaded and the clean-up done before we left, I was on the verge of a total freak out. 

I sat down at the dinner table and Kennedy said, "What's the matter mom?  You look like you wanna kill someone!" 

My sister-in-law said, "You're scaring me, a little bit." 

I didn't look youthful or energetic.  I was snapping at my kids, who were responding inappropriately.  I was scowling. I felt angry, and I wanted to cry. Everyone tip-toed around me so I didn't melt down.

I love to have my ego stroked.  Who doesn't?  My dilemma is... I can handle not being complimented.  I don't need to hear that my hair looks nice or that my weight loss is obvious.  What I really struggle with is that I feel like I NEED something that isn't given to me.  I need time to hang out with other women.  I need to have a few hours off the clock, completely off the clock.  I need to get away from my life sometimes.

In all actuality, I don't need these things.  I want them, desperately want them, but I don't need them.  When I start to think that I am entitled to them, it changes me.  I become irrational and short-tempered.  I become more self-focused.  I'm a mess.

So here's what I wonder... do I need it?  We all need to breathe sometimes, but right now, I've been in my basement for several hours without any interruptions from needy children.  I could spend this time doing whatever I want, I suppose.  So is it really necessary for me to "get away"? Or is this enough? Can I recharge my batteries right here without ever leaving the house?

I don't know.  It's something I think about a lot.  It makes sense that I should get a break sometimes.  It just seems like when I fight for it, it's a serious fight.  And sometimes that fight blows up in my face.  Makes me wonder if this whole humility thing goes deeper than my initial understanding of it. My needs always come second in the matter of humility.  Sometimes that means my needs don't get met.

What do you think??

lvb