Lawless

GOOD GRIEF!  I did NOT know how big that photo was going to be on the last post!!! Yeow!  I guess I better double check before mobile publishing!  HA!

Sometimes I feel like I have burdened my children with the yoke of the law, the Sutton law.

Inside these walls, there must be an order that is carefully maintained, otherwise, seriously, it goes bananas in no time fast.  This applies to dishes, laundry, grocery consumption, volume control, behavior, demands for attention, the messes in the kitchen, the messes on the main floor, the messes in the basement, the yard, the car... the list goes on and on.


I feel like I bark orders day in and day out. 

Here's what I mean.  I walk into the kitchen in the morning, and there is a stack of papers on the table.  There is a glob of jelly that has trailed from the countertop, down the cabinet door, into a heap on the floor. The bread bag is wide open on top of the fridge with a few stray slices falling out. The trash is overflowing.  There is a pile of wet towels on the floor next to the trash can, and beneath the water dispenser on the fridge is a puddle of water.  The milk is on the counter.  The dishes are piled in both sinks.  The water is running.  The front door is open.  The garage door is open.  The dogs are whining next to the food bowls...  AAAAAAHHHHH!

You think I exaggerate... it's real.  I get so overwhelmed.  I get so frustrated as I go through the list.  If I don't hold anyone accountable, no one will ever change.  Sometimes I start in and never stop all day long.  "Clean up your mess on the table.  Who used the jelly?  Clean it up! Who put the bread away?  You need to close up the end before you put it up or it will dry out.  Would you please take the trash out?  Yes, all of the trash on the floor too, and put the lid on the trash can..."  It just keeeeeeps going.  I feel like an like a bossy pants.  I feel like I am saddling these poor kids with unnecessary burdens. 

Here's the problem.  I don't know what to do.  How do I balance grace with teaching these kids responsibility?  I want to do it right, but I'm not sure what right is!  I just grounded one of the boys from eating Doritos on splurge day because he ate some chips without permission.  At bedtime.  And he left the bag open in the pantry. Is it worth it?  It was a few chips!  ugh.

On top of it all, I know that I could not bear the weight of this burden the way they do.  I don't keep the rules I put on them.  I think that is what makes me feel the worst.

I have great parents.  In hindsight, they seem to have been really balanced, not too dramatic, and careful to be fair.  Growing up was pretty easy-breezy. I don't need therapy.  I'm happy! I just wish I knew the answers more often, like they always seemed to.


I have this anxiety, see.  I have this knot in my stomach.  I can't get a full breath.  It comes and goes, but it mostly comes and hangs around.  I don't know if it's my life, the busyness, the intensity, the sheer constancy.  Or maybe it's the lurch, the changes.  I'm working, Dale's days off changed, our bills changed, and next month school is starting for him and for us.  I can't pinpoint it because it's with me all the time.  Nothing makes it better or worse.  WAAAH! 

For what it's worth, I think I my children are happy.  As long as Dale and I are getting along, they are good. But what about the future?  Are they going to get out of here and go far, far away, rebelling from the iron fist of the law?  Who can predict.  I can't live my life in fear, but sheesh. I gotta get a grip. 

lvb