on living healthier

When I was in the 5th grade, my little brother and I were at home one evening when I had this great idea. He could spot me while I learned to do a back walkover. He was in the third grade, so this was a very good idea. I had never had any prior gymnastics experience, so of course I would attempt this very difficult move by hurling myself into a handstand and hoping my feet would land just right. When I actually hit the handstand, I panicked and fell out of it sideways. The pop that he said "sounded not really like a firecracker, but more like a ladyfinger" was actually my collarbone snapping apart.

That was the catalyst of my initial weight gain as a result of sitting out of gym class, and everything else too, except TV. Doctor's orders, I was pretty sure. What I recognize now that I didn't know then, is that weight gain is common for this age group, not just the girls sitting on the sidelines. It's a natural pattern to gain weight in adolescence to prepare for the growth spurt that, in my case, would happen between 6th and 7th grade, along with all the joys of crossing over into womanhood. No one told me this was temporary, or that I wouldn’t always be chubby. In fact, my older brothers reminded me incessantly of how much bigger I was than every other person alive on a regular basis. It was seared into my brain that I was fat, and so began the endless cycle of self-loathing, dieting and binging, and ridiculous exercise regimens followed by months of doing nothing physical.

Fast forward through three decades. In 2018, I decided to join Weight Watchers Online. They were running a promotion that was considerably less than regular membership fees, so it wasn't expensive. I didn't have to attend meetings either, which was one of my hang-ups about joining. I was perpetually on my phone, anyway, so what did I have to lose besides weight? Turned out, I loved it and did very well on the program. The online community was the perfect motivation for me every night when I really wanted to binge. It seemed too easy to work, but it did! I only walked for exercise when I felt like it, and I was eating mostly what I wanted but with the accountability of the app. I was surprised sitting in my car when I noticed that my stomach wasn’t sticking out over my waistband like it had for so long. I didn't lose a lot of weight, and it was pretty slow, but my body was changing. That was fine with me as long as I wasn't gaining. What was even better, though, was that my disposition toward my body was also changing from a place of hostility to a place of acceptance.

It lasted until the fall, but I fell off as soon as the first batch of leaf shaped sugar cookies came out of the oven. Fortunately I had established a few lasting habits that helped me to stay more on track than anything I had tried in the past.

I rejoined WW Online in 2019 when I started feeling out of control from a week of vacation eating that turned into three months. I lost the weight that I had gained back, plus a little more, and started walking outside every day. When the trial membership fee expired, I canceled again and hoped for the best. What I didn’t realize was that while I was taking all those walks, I had begun to really enjoy the practice as much as the exercise. Eventually it became much more valuable to me than exercise. It was an escape from the domestic hustle. When I couldn’t get outside, I longed for it. Sometimes God speaks to me on those walks. Sometimes I focus on taking in the wonder of creation. I am able to listen and be quiet. Sometimes I sing, if no one else is on the path. Sometimes I cry, I'm not even kidding. It's powerful. I love it. I crave it. I fight for it. And I don’t feel (that) fat anymore.

This might be the first year in three decades that I didn’t make a New Years resolution to lose weight. It’s not because I don’t have weight to lose, because I think I always will. It's that I've found a rhythm with eating and exercise that works for me, so I am not focused on that being the first goal of the year. I'm sure I'll bobble in this area, it's been a lifetime of struggle. That doesn't just go away. But I have to say, it was a happy relief to come into the new year with different ambitions and a richer focus. Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to Thee... Also I want to fill all my trashcans with house weight, which is evidence of my hoarding tendencies. 

If you're starting this year with weight loss goals, take heart, sweet friend, and take it slow. It has taken me years to arrive at this place. So. Many. Years. and tears. Keep setting goals and keep trying. You will find what works for your life and settle into a happy place. I love talking about this, so email me if you want to talk about it! Happy first week of the decade, all you dear hearts!

May the Lord, in His kindness, shine upon you and yours in ways you have never expected! love, b

(Photo Credit: @womenshumor Instagram)