on writing

Last year, after Clinton turned five, I decided it was time to start pursuing a career in writing more seriously. I started doing the work in research and listening to mentors talk about the craft of writing. I don't know why I thought I could just start unraveling my heart on paper and it would be dazzling and someone would want to, need to, be compelled to publish it. I am, however, a born writer, and maybe that's why I thought the words would be enough. I heard someone say once that "writers wake up thinking about what they will write each day." That about sums up my whole life. I've been writing down book ideas for as long as I can remember. I jot down images and quotes and titles all day, everyday, in hopes of someday weaving each precious idea into a tapestry that moves peoples hearts to Christ. The momentum was really starting to build when I started my FB page. It's a good venue, right? I don't know for sure. Are people really looking at it? It gets traffic, but I don't know how often it shows up in someone's feed. And now, when I get on there to write something I feel like the stage lights are on. It rattles me. I don't have words. I don't know what to say. I just need to get something down, so I do. I write it all down, and a few people notice it. I'm not sure this is the way I want to get noticed.

Honestly, I'm not even sure I want to get noticed. I'm listening to mainstream authors talk about the pressure of being noticed and the deadlines coming in from publishers, and all the travel and speaking that accompanies the life of an author, and I start to feel that sinking feeling, that "I wish I hadn't agreed to go to the party with the friend that wouldn't understand if I left early" feeling. You know? It's like I regret committing to it before I've even committed to anything. It comes in this still small voice, this reminder of what is real and good and true. God made me a writer. The noticing only happens on His terms, with His complete consent and awareness. I don't have to fear these things, because He's steering this, I just have to do the thing I was made to do, which happens to be writing.

What I didn't realize was that writing is also reading and thinking and becoming aware of moments and remembering them. I didn't realize that writing is a craft that requires exquisite attention to detail. My eyes see and my mind translates it to words sometimes faster than my heart can feel it. It's what I was born to do, tell you the words. I don't really know why I get to do this, but I love it more than so many other things that I do with my time. So here I am writing about it to you, my dear and faithful reader. Thank you for seeing me. He called me to this for you.