For the Joy: Chapter 6

 

FOR THE JOY

CHAPTER

God Sees Me

What is man that you remember him or the son of man that you care for him? Heb 2:6

Psalms 8:3 When I observe your heavens the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars which you set in place, what is a human being that you remember him as son of man that you look after him?

These verse spark wonder in me. I stumble across them and read them again and again. I can’t get my head around this truth.

God sees me.

What is man that You remember him? Why do You care so deeply and richly for us when humanity is such a lost cause… We fail. We fail. We fail. We fail. When we return to You, You love us. You see us. You pursue us. You hold us, our lives, our tiny details, in Your perfect hands. You are mindful of us. Beautiful God, I am humbled and overwhelmed by Your boundless love.

I lose things. A whisk. A can opener. A bag of dried cranberries. I hunt and cry and yell and blame the kids. I get so angry I feel like I might explode. Then I pray, “Please, can You please just show me where it is?”

We are in the middle of a global pandemic as I write. Day 12 of quarantine. I began keeping the kids home and limiting traffic in and out almost two weeks ago. Yesterday was the first day of the official “shelter-at-home order” for the Kansas City Metro area. We are in a global crisis.

A few weeks before Christmas, the news of a new virus called the coronavirus, or COVID-19, broke all over the world. China had been stuck first and it was spreading like wildfire. By February, it was all over the world. In March, Italy and Spain closed their borders. The United States blocked trade with Europe. The market crashed. Schools all over the country closed. People were dying by the thousands, and news outlets were projecting a million and a half Americans would die. Cruise ships were quarantining their passengers for weeks in order to safely keep the disease from spreading further.

At first, they said symptoms presented as a high fever and dry cough. It seemed to affect more men than women, and people over 60s were high risk. People with autoimmune disorders were ordered to stay away from crowds because the sickness was considered deadly. As more people contracted the illness, Washington DC, San Francisco and New York City shut down. As people recovered from Covid-19 reported more symptoms. Headaches. GI issues. Loss of smell and taste. Young people were no longer less likely to get it. The contagion reminded me of the story in the Bible when Sampson lit all the foxes’ tails on fire and sent them running through the fields of his enemies, leaving desolation in every direction.

So, we stay in our houses, scouring the headlines and scrolling Facebook in hopes of good news or something to make us laugh. We are trying to establish a life inside these walls having minimal physical contact with the outside world. We are living moment by moment with no end in sight.

And I’m standing in my kitchen with tears in my eyes because I can’t find the dried cranberries. I bought them a while ago to make oatmeal bars like the ones we get at Wendy’s. All the sudden I desperately need to make oatmeal bars because I can’t cope with being inside the walls anymore, only I can’t find the dang cranberries. After I come out of my meltdown, I ask God, “Can you just show me where they are?” and I remember a little basket that I set up for baked goods. My pantry was too full to hold the cranberries because I had stockpiled so much food for the quarantine. I remember that I put it in a basket. I can see where it is because I have asked God for help, and He has given me eyes to see.

I usually spend about $1000 on groceries in a month. When the news of potential lockdown began to circulate, I took it very, very seriously. Even though I had just re-stocked my pantry, I went back to the store to get a few more things, just in case.

Just in case. Just in case the novel coronavirus quarantines us to our house or shuts down the economy; we should have some extra bags of cereal and milk. Maybe bread. And Poptarts.

As I was loading the car, I saw a guy from church and said hello. Then I got a text from Dale. “Kansas City was declared to be in a State of Emergency. Get more.” Back in I went.

I’ve seen It’s a Wonderful Life. I know what “a run” looks like. I didn’t think this was a run until I saw the long checkout lines at 9pm. As I scrambled around the store collecting essentials; flour, milk, potatoes, pasta, marinara, pop tarts, toilet paper, chocolate chips, I passed the guy from parking lot. He said, “Didn’t I just see you loading groceries into your car?”

Heh heh, yeah… I felt heat rising up my neck as I explained that the city was shutting down. “Might as well feed the hysteria, right?” In that moment I felt a little cuckoo.

We’re doing the best we can over here; washing our hands like surgeons, drinking grape juice, and adding more vegetables to our meals. I know you are, too. Just remember, when you get overwhelmed with the news and the empty shelves, we’re all in this together.

Every night after that I woke up remembering something I had forgotten, and determined to go back the next morning. Finally, after I realized that I had spent twice my monthly budget for groceries, I knew had to stop. I was stockpiling out of fear. I was grasping for control. I wasn’t being responsible for my household, I was to beat the crowds before the shelves were empty. It had to stop.

Most mornings I fry five eggs, two for me and three for Dale. I am never concerned about how many eggs I’m using because I buy 5 dozen at a time. When we get down to the last dozen I buy more. This week when I saw that we were down to two and a half dozen, I immediately started to “run to the store”. God stopped me in my tracks, and the Holy Spirit spoke into my fear. “How can I show you my provision if you keep running to the store? Ask Me for what you need. I will provide for you.”

What I needed was a wake-up call so badly. God saw me in my panicked scramble. He was already holding my precious, well-tended family in His hands, and I was in a tailspin. Even when we don’t see Him, He sees us. Why does He love us like this?

He loved us when we had no beauty to attract His affections. We lay trodden underfoot and polluted in our blood. There is nothing lovely in man. Christ knew all this clearly. In eternity past, Christ saw all our faults, and not one after another, but all together. This adds great wonder to the love of Christ. He saw every perverse look, every unkind gesture, every rebellious motion, every disingenuous act. Every heart was visible from eternity. Here is the wonder of Christs love. It is fixed upon man, the worst of creatures. Consider His resolution and wonder: I will give eternal life to those whom have dishonored Me.* 

*Valley of Vision page 76.