Reflections

I should have waited for a few years to have babies... I know you can't undo your life, and we do the best we can for what we know in our youth, but if there was just one thing I could roll time back and redo, I'd have to change my methods of parenting right from the get-go.

After number three, I started telling people I was going to journal my life with my new baby and publish it: the way I set up a baby on a schedule, the feedings, the sleeping, the resolve to let the baby sleep alone. I thought I really had it together; that should have been my first clue.

I can't remember what it was like for me the first few days out of the hospital- out of five times, I don't remember anything about those first few weeks except crying a lot and watching every minute pass on the clock while I was nursing.

With Leila, I did some research on the wise and all-knowing Internet and found that my methods were not only discouraged by real doctors, pediatricians, but those very things I founded my practice on were harmful to the baby. I tried to let her cry for a few nights, but the knot in my stomach drove me to this research, which said that if you try to train a baby to go to sleep on it's own too early, it can be extremely frightening for the child and have lasting repercussions. Not only that, but a baby is not capable of manipulation in those early months so spoiling is not even in their ballpark. Crying is a baby's only method of communication so when the cry is not responded to, it gives them a very real sense of abandonment. It was a difficult reality for me and I cried and cried over the months of agony I put my other babies through.

Armed with this new information, Leila survived infant-hood without having to scream herself to sleep and goes to her own bed on her own every night, and stays there all night long. She's the first one with that I can say that about. The other kids go to bed and for the most part stay there, but even as school-aged children I can see the ripple effect from my choices way back then.

When I brought Deisha home, I felt like a new parent. My old methods were clearly not an option and I had never tried any other ways so I felt a little lost our first night. What I decided was that rather then force my rule that my kids would never sleep in our bed, I would just give her what she needed. So I put her next to me, fed her when she woke up, and we had a simple, quiet night. I didn't sleep very hard, but I slept.

I've continued to do this every night and I can't believe it; already shes more settled when I put her down, she is nursing perfectly, and I don't feel any resentment about feeding or not sleeping. Somehow it's going much more smoothly than any time before. And it makes sense, I mean, here is this tiny baby that has been in my womb, and almost immediately, before, I would try to establish this routine to promote my re-entry to independence, to insure that my life is convenient. But really, this little one needs food much more often than every three hours, and she needs to feel the assurance of my presence close by. Why would I sacrifice that for predictability??? I don't know... it must be part of life, learning to own up to your mistakes and accept what's best in exchange for what seems easier.