The Plan

Alright, the reality is that I'm not depressed, I am severely overwhelmed. Today I received four of the twenty-some boxes that I'm waiting for so we can proceed with a successful school year.
I have cardboard boxes and plastic bubbles full of air that I need to find a place for so that I'll have the supplies in the event that we don't finish the school year here in California. (I know, it's a long shot, but I'm an optimist. And my mom is a woman of faith.) I don't have a place for it. My shed is full of other stuff that I'm saving for who knows what reason. I can barely keep up with my regular housework on top of shuffling our storage space to accomodate these things, and trying to meet the needs of all these little lives around me. I haven't cooked in a couple of weeks. (Hey guess what! Chicken nuggets tomorrow too!) I get overwhelmed with the guilt of not being a competent teacher, not praying for each one of them everyday, not meeting my husband on a grown-up level, and the baby's crying again. I can't do it all, but I want to believe that somehow I can. I don't rest well when the housework isn't done, but if I don't go to bed without finishing, I won't ever sleep. There's always more to do.

I'd really love to give the impression that I am capable of raising all these kids in a cracker jack box, home school them, have another baby, cook all our meals, get to soccer practice on time, still wear the same size jeans I wore in high school, and not skip a beat. But I can't. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. So you know what I do? I eat. I drink soda instead of water. I spend money we don't have. I don't know why these things make me feel better, but somehow they get me past the fact that I have neglected cleaning the kids' bathroom long enough to grow mold under the sink. Gag. And clearly, I cannot keep up with my avid blogging passion, because it's been like twenty days since my last blog.

But I will tell you this, I do love my life, even when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and try to sneak back to it in the afternoon. I did get some incredible pictures of San Francisco and some of this side of the country. Plus, I have pictures from Tre's birthday still waiting to be loaded, and some of Princess Leila in her new wardrobe. So, I'll be back eventually.

All that to say this: here's the plan. I'm going to get out of bed tomorrow and try to be nice. I'm going to go as fast as I can without losing my patience with my kids or my husband. I'm going to pick up what I can and fold all the clothes that are in the dryer right now. I'm going to try to do something generous for someone that I know because people are constantly doing this for me. I might not cook. But I will kiss everyone in the house as often as I can, so that they know I love them even if I fall in a heap at the end of the day. That's the plan.