Marley and Me

I can't fully understand why at the end of the day I have this amazing resolve to start my life new the next day, and why by morning it has all faded away with the night as if it was never there to begin with until the night comes again. Tonight I feel new with a snapshot of "real life" in fast forward, thank you very much, Hollywood. I don't know how Jennifer Aniston managed to pull off playing out basically everything I've ever felt about life and marriage and motherhood, when she's never walked in my shoes; but she did it. And I don't know how after years of loathing and distain, I love my dogs like they really are part of our family, but I do.

This life can be such a head spinner... just yesterday I was wishing I could just get to next month so that we could be closer to the end of the school year and I could start making plans for the summer. Now I'm crying over how fast they days have gone and how I'm missing precious moments with my little ones who are becoming little people right before my eyes. Leila is almost as old as Tre was when we moved here! I know it's me. I know it is! But I don't know how to correct the glitch. It's like God is trying desperately to alert me to these lessons over and over and over again and I just keep skating past while waving my own agenda at Him. I don't know if I'll ever learn, but I sure hope so.

I had really determined not to watch this movie; I didn't want to watch something sad about animals. I'm not an animal lover. I had a dog that I loved once, and I mean I would've gone to the grave for her, but once I had kids, I became a "kid person" and my affinity for dogs faded. I'm pretty sure I chronicled how I felt when Max came into our lives right here. If I didn't, let me just tell you that it wasn't pretty. The thing is, the depth of this movie goes so much deeper than the dog... it makes you step back and really evaluate what matters.

I am at a crossroads in my life. I have all these kids that I've been hearding for eleven years. Get them up, dressed, fed, educated, teach them manners, keep them safe, fed, cleaned up, teach the truth, Jesus, and enough sleep, day after day after day. There is a lot in between, but I started the assembly line method of existence shortly after I had Jasmine. Now I have these budding individuals that can't squeeze into my assembly line because they're not all the same shape. Deisha is sleeping through the night, and Kennedy is waking up with strange pox on her face. Tre is creating and building and leaving a trail everywhere he goes, and Micah is swinging from chatter, to bossy, then angry, then sad, then happy-go-lucky. Jasmine is the typical middle child needing approval and trying to fit in, and Leila spends more time in the bathroom primping than anyone else in the house. I am having to switch gears and really make an effort to focus on individual needs, on top of getting them up, checking outfits, feeding, education, correcting bad behaviors, teaching them how to be safe, feeding more, teaching them hygiene, the truth, Jesus, and convincing them to go to sleep instead of giggling into the wee hours of night. It's really overwhelming sometimes.

I've spend so many years saying, "No! Don't do that! Stop doing that! Not in this house!" I want to spend the next eleven years saying, "Yes! That's a great idea! I'm happy for you! We will do this again!" I know it's far fetched, but I feel pressed to turn over a new leaf. There's certainly something to be said for setting boundaries, but at some point you have to open up the doors and let them fly a little. There must be a way to let them go and still hold the line. God, give me the grace to be like You!