Learning

I have this idea that
this is the dress rehearsal.
It's this sense that
eventually I will arrive
at the place where I am
grown.
I will someday arrive at the place
emotionally,
physically,
spiritually,
where I am
established.
And then my
real life will begin.

But it's just not the case.
What you do in this life
is your real life.
The way you spend this day
is your real life.
What you are,
who you are
right now,
is who you really are
in real life.
I have finally arrived at
the actual performance.
Only, I've been here all along.

I keep thinking about my father-in-law,
Lonnie.
He was doing the real deal all along.
It was his real life
start to finish.
He was doing it the best he knew how,
and his legacy spoke volumes as to
how well he did it.

He was this quiet presence in our lives.
His wisdom was never solicited,
but carefully given in small doses.
He didn't make a spectacle of himself,
but he had an inside joke with everyone in the room.
He worked countless hours every week
and never, ever complained.
He was, at times, mistreated,
but he never sacrificed his dignity
to satisfy some sense of justice.
He did it effortlessly.
Our hero.

Maybe this doesn't make sense.
I have been thinking
philosophically
during all of this crying and talking and thinking and
staring off into the distance.
Death is a strange and curious devil.

Even Paul the Apostle said,
"Not that I have already obtained this
or have already arrived at my goal,
but I PRESS ON..."

As I press on, I want to be
more intentional,
more generous,
more available,
more organized... so that I can
work smarter, not harder,
in order to be
all those other things.

In honor of Lonnie,
I want to talk less
and listen more.
I want to make
memories out of moments.
I want to make plans
instead of hoping things will work out.

Just in case you were wondering.

lvb