Out of the mouth the heart speaks

Yesterday I was on the phone while I was preparing dinner; I believe I mentioned that with each pregnancy, I get a little clumsy and dropsy and I miscalculate depth sometimes pretty severely, which makes me hazardous in the kitchen. I burn myself almost everyday, I don't mean terrible burns usually, but I end up dropping a pan on the floor or catching the oven rack with a side of my hand that's not covered with a hot pad, these kinds of things. So yesterday was especially dangerous in the kitchen because I had three pans on the stove and something on the grill all at the same time. I was also doing a lot of chopping. And I was on the phone.

Every time I cut myself or dropped something or touched the grill with palm of my hand I said, "Oh crap!" and then continued the conversation like normal. Apparently this is really common for me because I said it probably ten times while we were talking and I only noticed because I was on the phone and I felt like I was spewing profanities in my friend's ear the whole time we talked! Not like that's such a filthy thing to say, it's just that I said it so many times, I wonder how often I say things like this when I'm not paying attention. I say these words that I don't allow my kids to say and then I wonder why they are saying all these alternate words that I don't approve of but also don't have rules against. It's the standard that I have set for myself. There are words on the naughty list that I just don't say because I have a rule against saying them- even in a song if there is a word from that list, I consciously change the word so that I have not said it. But these other words like *crap* and *freaking* I just let go whenever because, while I don't approve of them, I don't have a standard against them.

All of this got me thinking this morning about this little nugget of truth *out of the mouth the heart speaks*. So I looked it up this afternoon and this is what it really says.

Matthew 12:34-37 "You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. 35 "The good man out of his good treasure brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of his evil treasure brings forth what is evil. 36 "And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. 37 "For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned."

Now this got my attention. Jesus is addressing, clearly, a group of men that are unpleasing. And goes on to make the comparison between the righteous and the wicked by the fruit of their lips. If my words justify me or condemn me, I could really be cutting it close. Not that this is an all inclusive account of salvation and judgment, but seriously, there is so much to be considered in the way of the things that come out of our mouths, the audible reflection of our hearts... I have such a long way to go.

My behavior is so erratic right now, I'd be humiliated for my neighbor to pop in and ask, "Is everything all right in here," after hearing me ranting. When in all reality, who can hide from the eyes of God? And why isn't that knowledge enough accountability to keep me in check? Ugh. If I could only control this teeny part of my body that can be so deadly at times, but moment by moment I flounder.

Yesterday I was walking Max, our 60 pound lap dog. We've been taking him along with us to get him out of the house and to train him on the leash. So far he's gotten progressively more submissive to the leash and seems to be getting what I expect from him, even sitting when we stop and the little details like that. However, yesterday, he started the walk out pretty wound up. By the time we passed the first yard with dogs, he was whining and tugging at the leash. I pulled him back several times, thinking he'd settle down, but it was a losing battle. The next yard he was full-barking and dragging me off the path, and he is really strong. My hope is to train him well enough that the older kids can walk him and not run the risk of being swept off their feet, but yesterday that dream was shattered as I felt all of our training blowing away with the wind. So I took him home and locked him up so he could think about his behavior, right? But then I thought about it all day, partially because I was disappointed, I thought we were doing so well! But also, as I recounted the order of events, I recognized that he was trying to be obedient by keeping himself contained in the first yard, but when he sensed my frustration, he figured he'd already blown it and might as well go all out.

I recognize that this is one of my typical analytical exaggerations, but it's also a reflection of me. I wake up every morning to someone yelling and immediately hiss at them to stop yelling, first thing in the morning. Then I'm in a bad mood and the next person that gets up spills cereal all over the counter and I growl at them too. I figure I've blown it already, now I should be fair and spread my wrath around evenly so then everyone gets it... And every night I tell myself it'll be better tomorrow.

If there's a cure for this, I'd like to have prescription please??? metaphorically speaking, of course. I can see, though, that like any out of control behavior- eating, spending, drinking- this is a heart issue and clearly the answer is in the Book. If the Word of God is the bread of life, my heart is trying to tell me that I'm starving.