Nervous?

I have a hard time attending churches that don't know me and this is Saturday night. While I was ironing something to wear for our first Sunday in Lompoc a wave of nerves hit me and I thought, "Maybe we could just..." you know, do anything else besides church. It's stupid. This is God's house and His people, my family; but there are so many lost sheep and clueless shepherds that my cynicism betrays my attempts to be courteous or friendly and scrutiny threatens the entirety of the my experience therein. Forgive my frankness. It's difficult to be this honest here because I am so weak and I don't like to expose it, but here it is.

I'm sure part of it is about being the new girl and not knowing where I fit, but the other part is, where do you plug in and plug away working toward the building up of other believers? Do you wait it out for six weeks and determine what to muddle through or do you try another and another until it "feels" right? I just dread the whole ordeal.

I so long for eternity where there is no question about sheep and goats and it's all real and there's no high society in church, it's all just us, the body of Christ unified eternally.

And while we're on the subject of weaknesses, at least I have something to wear tomorrow that FITS. Yes, there are seasons of high anxiety when I cannot eat and there are those when I can't stop eating. This is one of those seasons; I fear the scale. Thank goodness it's packed away and out of reach. I need so desperately to have some normalcy, fortunately it's coming soon I hope.