CAUTION! Debbie Downer at 6 o'clock!

I woke up sad today.  It's so funny because last week Monday was such a glorious day!!!  And today I am just kind of sad.  There's no real reason.  I have everything I need or want, I'm just... dissatisfied.  It's the story of my life.  Some days great, other days miserable.  I have always struggled with this very thing, always wishing something was different.  I don't wish for another life, I just wish this relationship was better or that situation would change.  It's so petty.  People are suffering terrible trials in their lives and it is painful to have to sit on the sidelines and just watch them suffer through it knowing there's very little I can do to make it better.  But I start picking things apart in my mind and they start to cave.  So petty. 

I despise this about myself.  What I want to be is truly content- in plenty and in want.  Not just financially but when my heart is full and when I am left longing I wish I could embrace it all.  This isn't the natural way, I don't suppose.  Last night someone said, "I wish I could just be godly and it would come naturally for me the way it does for some people," to which several other people responded, "Oh, it doesn't come naturally for anyone.  I think it's always a fight."  I just don't feel like putting up much of a fight.  Let me wallow in self-pity, just for a day.  That's ridiculous, you say?  What have I to pity myself over?  I know.  It is.  Your very words echo in my ear every time I start to give way to tears.  I smack myself around and tell myself, "This is ridiculous!  What have you got to feel sorry about???"  But I want to.  I want to cut my day short, lock-down in the basement, and get hide all day.  The kids would be thrilled- I'd call it a movie marathon not an escape, of course. 

Funny, these kids.  It really thrills them when I will sit and watch a movie with them.  I so full of myself that  I can't stay awake for more than half unless I'm distracted by something else, even though I know this is the very thing they really love.  It takes virtually no effort or attention, they just want me present.  It's like when they were little, all they wanted was for me and Dale to get on the floor.  We didn't have to play or entertain them, they just wanted us there where they were.  Still do.  Oooooo these days are numbered.  It will all go away and I'll be riddled with regret!  I can see it coming- and here I sit, moaning to myself about nothing with no reason, and yet I still moan.  boooooo. 

I do love God, you know I do.  He gives me peace and rest; it's this blasted flesh that blocks my access.  I indulge it and it gets fatter and makes it harder to get to. 

So here's the remedy.  Do something for someone else.  Today I am going to do two things on my list. They should take less than one hour.  Then I'm going to round up the troops and set up a movie marathon.  HAHA!  You think I'm reverting, but in writing that I realized that even though my motive is to indulge this miserable beast, this would be something that would thrill my kids.  Only to make this about them and not me I will run them to the library to pick out a movie and then make snacks for the marathon.  And I'll knit while they watch movies so that my eyes will stay open from start to finish.  They will love it.  I will love it.  It'll be the start of something good in my day.  mmm.  This is a good plan.  Thanks.