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bsmiles and sunny days

"Be desirous of doing the will of another, rather than thine own. Choose always to have less, rather than to have more. Seek always to have the lowest place, and to be inferior to everyone. Wish always, and pray, that the will of God may be wholly fulfilled in Thee." E. Prentiss

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- August 01, 2007

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The Days

- August 14, 2023

I found this butterfly on the sidewalk one day. It was lifeless perfection. I couldn’t help but wonder if it just fell out of the sky mid-flight when the end came. It feels like that every time someone I know dies. The end comes abruptly and unexpectedly. It catches in my throat when I think about it. Sometimes there is no warning at all. When Dale’s dad died, I kept thinking, “That’s it. He crossed the finish line without seeing it coming.” There was no time to get better at living. There was no grand finale. It was game over. I’ve always lived with this idea that someday I’ll feel like I’ve arrived on a plateau where I can say, “This is it! This is the place I’ve been working toward all these years.” I’m starting to believe that doesn’t exist here. God designed us to faithfully walk with Him, day by day, through mountains and valleys, good times and bad, always moving but never arriving. With that knowledge, I want my regular, ordinary everydays to bring glory to the...

Ahhh...

- July 02, 2007

Thank you, my friends, for being so honest. Sometimes I live under the heavy blanket of guilt over all the things I should be doing and am not doing... the person I should be by now and still am not. It's difficult. But a longtime friend revealed this crucial err in my thinking and reminded me that in Christ we are no longer condemned to live life like that. It was a perspective that had somehow escaped me for a long time, that has now given me a little freedom. Knowing your thoughts and struggles are so similar to mine gives me some relief, like I can keep going because we're all in the same boat. These were taken in Solvang, the Dutch community that I raved about early on in our adventure. It's about twenty miles from here; along that road is an ostrich farm which you can see from the road. We stopped to get a closer look and in order to go to the viewing area, you have a pay per person. We laughed about that, at how we could stand at the pay counter and watch then for fr...

Everywhere

- July 06, 2006

Since I was a teenager I led worship in youth group, church meetings, the local rally at the park... I thought it was the crown jewel of all church positions to lead worship, thus making me the crown jewel. (I am embarrassed to admit that.) It was like I was something when I was behind the piano with a microphone. I never believed I was the greatest singer or that I had phenomenal gifts for worship, I just thought I had a special anointing, like it was what I was born to do. And then when we moved to Missouri I took on the glamorous position of Certified Nurse's Aide. That means I do everything that a higher paid, more educated person doesn't want to do, the jobs that are beneath them. I used to quake every time someone told me to do something petty because they didn't want to walk up the hall. I would think, "Do you have any idea who I am and what I'm capable of?" and the Holy Spirit would whisper into my heart "This is who you are, are you capable of it...