Confessions

Awhile back a friend of mine made a comment about how blogging is the modern-day confessional.  People get on the page, write their secrets, their failures, their realities, and in the privacy of their own home, usually from a quiet room to a silent audience, they have this sense of relief.  I sort of resented that; it's true and I do it, but I more consciously filter.  I want you to know that I have real problems, but I don't want you to think that it's because of me or that I am as much of a joker as I really might be.

Like right now, I've been hustling around all day trying to catch up, reorganize, sort and trash this whole place.  When my kids announced that they were going to bed at 7 so they could watch movies in bed, I was thrilled.  Ecstatic, actually, at the possibility of being able to get the rest of my work done without having to trip over or physically remove children from my path.  I'm kind of wretched that way.  Only the thing is, they've been outside most of the day.  They did come in and leave trails all over the house, but it was a mess anyway because of my reorganization project so you never would've known they were here.  And now at the end of the day, I just want some peace and quiet.  Sometimes I feel so guilty about that.  They are no trouble to me, work,  yes, trouble, no.  They're my dream come true.  But I spend all this time scooting them around and figuring ways to busy them so that I can have some time to myself, and then when I get that, I feel guilty.  Is there no rest for a mother?  My mom says it's a mother's curse.  I have to agree. 

And guess what else.  I took our tree down before Christmas Day was over.  YES I DID!  I know. Dale kept calling me the Grinch.  I'm Bergermeister Meisterberger.  (I secretly hate toys).  I just couldn't stand all the clutter for one more second, and there was a lot of it.  Besides the decor, we had the crafting supplies, all the new gifts, the boxes from gifts, and the usual run-of-the-mill mess.  It was driving me crazy.  I'm moving soon.  (HA---LE-LU-JAH!  HA---LE-LU-JAH!!!)  The list of todos is really starting to jack with my head.  Once the kids go back to school, we start the countdown.  I need to get as much done before that day as possible.  It's really quite overwhelming. 

Today my neighbor came to my house and I was so embarrassed about how filthy my house was, how I was still in baggy workout clothes and my hair was in a messy pony tail, that I didn't even invite her in.  Now I feel guilty, like I should call and give her some sort of explanation, but at the same time, why?  To let her know that this isn't how I really am?  She looked so pretty with her makeup and hair do... Me in my clutter and mess.  I'm kind of a trainwreck sometimes.  People ought to know.