Contemplations
For the past few nights
I have spent hours
pouring over articles on
Adenomyosis
Uterine Cancer
Endometrial Cancer
and the biopsy process.
Hours and hours
reading and reading.
I've completely freaked myself out.
I keep trying to fight off tears.
I don't want to cry a lot in front of my crew.
They don't need to worry.
I can't help but think,
"This could be the last time..."
On the way to Richmond,
before we knew details about Lonnie,
I thought,
"This could be the last time
I drive down this road
believing he's ok..."
I didn't know he was gone until we were almost there.
It was the last time.
Scares me.
Scares Leila too. She broke down last night.
I don't want to worry her.
But I'm worried.
I don't want to say it's not cancer
or that I won't die
because I just don't know.
I guess it's a big deal if I do have to have surgery.
My cousin called and said,
"Yeah... so I'm having a hysterectomy,
no big deal,
and after that I'll go jogging..."
I mentioned it too casually I guess.
He's funny. Sort of snapped me back to reality.
It's a pretty big deal.
Just doesn't seem like it's me, maybe.
Like I'm managing someone else's health problems.
I trust God.
I also believe He is sovereign.
He knows the number of my days.
Job says I won't live a minute longer than He ordains.
It's true.
I'm not afraid of dying,
I also am not convinced that this is the end for me.
I'm afraid of the biopsy.
Afraid of the surgery.
Afraid of them finding cancer
in some obsolete place that we never anticipated.
I'm afraid treatment will be terribly painful
and I'll have repercussions that will change my life.
I don't want my life to change.
I want it to be the way it is.
I like it this way.
Please pray for me.
Pray for Dreamboat. He's scared too.
Pray for the ninos.
We just need to know that everything is going to be normal again.
lvb
I have spent hours
pouring over articles on
Adenomyosis
Uterine Cancer
Endometrial Cancer
and the biopsy process.
Hours and hours
reading and reading.
I've completely freaked myself out.
I keep trying to fight off tears.
I don't want to cry a lot in front of my crew.
They don't need to worry.
I can't help but think,
"This could be the last time..."
On the way to Richmond,
before we knew details about Lonnie,
I thought,
"This could be the last time
I drive down this road
believing he's ok..."
I didn't know he was gone until we were almost there.
It was the last time.
Scares me.
Scares Leila too. She broke down last night.
I don't want to worry her.
But I'm worried.
I don't want to say it's not cancer
or that I won't die
because I just don't know.
I guess it's a big deal if I do have to have surgery.
My cousin called and said,
"Yeah... so I'm having a hysterectomy,
no big deal,
and after that I'll go jogging..."
I mentioned it too casually I guess.
He's funny. Sort of snapped me back to reality.
It's a pretty big deal.
Just doesn't seem like it's me, maybe.
Like I'm managing someone else's health problems.
I trust God.
I also believe He is sovereign.
He knows the number of my days.
Job says I won't live a minute longer than He ordains.
It's true.
I'm not afraid of dying,
I also am not convinced that this is the end for me.
I'm afraid of the biopsy.
Afraid of the surgery.
Afraid of them finding cancer
in some obsolete place that we never anticipated.
I'm afraid treatment will be terribly painful
and I'll have repercussions that will change my life.
I don't want my life to change.
I want it to be the way it is.
I like it this way.
Please pray for me.
Pray for Dreamboat. He's scared too.
Pray for the ninos.
We just need to know that everything is going to be normal again.
lvb
Easy for me to say, but worry wont add a single minute to your life. You have to find it within yourself to give this over to God. He already knows the outcome. Stay intune with God and walk with him daily and He will see you through this! I don't know if any of that made sense...we will all be praying for you! We love you!! Just breathe. Its ok to cry.
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