Dilemma

There is this crazy war going on
in my head.
I can't seem to find a balance.
I have been trying to read
Shepherding a Child's Heart
for a long time. 
I will start it, put it down, and then
come back to it in a couple of months.
It's so good... and
I really need the help! 
It is so directional!
But I can't seem through it.
I am back to it now and
making good headway.
It brings me to a difficult crossroad.

I have managed my children's behavior
in a certain way
for a long time.
This book calls for a
total change of direction
in regards to the purpose and position
from which I parent.
I want the results that it promises,
which is that your sole intention is to
glorify God in your parenting.
The fruit may or may not come,
which is good behavior and
godly children,
but you aren't parenting
from the expectation
that your work will be enough to
control your children and
ensure their salvation.

I haven't gotten to the end
where there are clear instructions
for changing paths.
For now I am just waffling
between my old pattern of
micro-managing behavior
and longing to glorify God
as a mother.

It's difficult
and guilt-riddled position.
It makes me feel like
a big fat jerk
most of the time.
I really need to
finish that book.

lvb